Fear and Faith

Over the last year and a half my life has drastically changed because my relatively good health was ripped away from me. I wake up in pain. I go to bed in pain. I take pain meds to help me sleep and function. Some days it’s not enough for me to just be able to function. Some days I would love to be able to fly…or at least get more done on my ever  growing list.bird's eye view

I feel like I let people down because I’m not who I once was. I was reading in a book that you shouldn’t grieve for what you could do before you got sick. I’m grieving this week. It’s harder this fall knowing how I’m going to feel as the weather gets colder. Last winter it was all kind of a surprise.

Even though I’ve found medications and supplements and strategies to help me feel better, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to handle the pain. I’m terrified that I’m going to take things out on those closest to me. Which makes me want to go hide in my bedroom under my heated blanket.  I can be a real bear first thing in the morning. Does that mean that I can hibernate this winter? Why can’t humans hibernate?

I’ve also been struggling this week with trusting God. I know that He works all things for the good of those that love Him but I’m not seeing it. Sorry, Lord that was honest and painful to admit but it’s how I’ve been feeling.

What I have been struggling to trust God in the most doesn’t even have to do with my own health. My best friend and the person that knows me the best in the world is having health problems. I want to take the problems on myself and trade places with him. If I could I would. As much as it sucks to feel sick it’s worse for me to watch someone I love in pain. I’m hoping for good test results but I’m also praying that he can feel the Lord’s presence and that he can understand that God is with him.

That’s what I want to talk about. Not the faith that says that everything will be okay. The faith to believe that God is there with us in our struggle. He feels our pain with us. He is the only one who literally feels our pain.

In my life, in my own experiences, the times when I have felt the most fear is when God then strengths my faith in Him. Through the pain and the struggling with my trust issues I have found a well of faith. Faith that soothes my soul. Faith that reminds me once again-since I seem to need a lot of reminders-of all God has done for me. All He has brought me through.

And this allows me to take a deep breath.

I don’t know the answers to the test results. I don’t know if I will ever wake up one day and feel better. I don’t know what the future holds.

I do know that as long as I focus on the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, that I can act in a godly way. Without Him I can’t because there are parts of me that scream to be mad. To act out.

But God calls us to act in love.

I’m going to fight my fear with my faith in God. I hope that I can act in love. Not because I’m a strong person but because I have a strong God.

Stressed about Stress

Hi, My name is Autumn and I feel like a failure because I can’t seem to go through life without feeling stress.

That statement seems ridculus but for me I’ve felt this way for far too long. I will prewarn you that this post may not have any life giving advice. On this subject right now all I feel is frusturation.

I felt like if I felt stress at all that I was letting God down. I was failing Him by not having enough faith. I would stress about feeling stress. This would only compound my stress level.That feeling of failure would led me to fear. Fear would led me to freeze.

It is a damaging belief in the Church that if you feel doubt or stress you are somehow wrong. It’s not the feelings but what we do about them that determines sinfulness.

Let’s break these chains that led to misplaced shame and guilt about our emotions. They aren’t welcome here no more.

After the Accident

I lost patience with the system at work this weekend. Normaly I can refocus myself but I didn’t even try this weekend. I feel like God has something special for me. I act like just another traveler that got a little lost on the way. The past still hautes me. The future is either something that I feel hopeful about or I am terrified. Nothing seems to be working. I want to step out with God but when it falls apart I’m not sure if it’s me, God, or the Devil that causes the fall. I feel like a mess. I’m just tried of waiting.

So here I am writing on a computer screen because I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in doubt. Drowning in debt. Drowning in emotions that I can’t seem to track down. And I’m crying because I need the release.

In April of this year I was in an accident that could have killed me. I ended up getting a concussion, which caused me to miss a month of work.(I survived getting hit in the head with glass that could have killed me) I don’t feel great about my life because it feels like nothing changed. I went back to work and the same problems. At home things are good but I feel like God could do more through my family if we could just open up to Him more.

I just want to share God’s love when I am on this earth. After the accident I felt God stronger in my life and I know He’s here. I just want to know how to serve Him.

I feel stuck because I’ve grown this year and it feels like everything stood still.

I guess the question is how do I handle this shift within myself. Taking out my frustration on others is not something I want to do. I’m going to focus on the last instructions that I got from God. I’m going to write and work hard at my day job and I’m going to be grateful for my life.

Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the LORD's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains.

 

Living with Hope and Pain

I want those that love me to understand what it feels like to live with pain.

And then there are times when I don’t want to talk about it. Those are the days when I am trying my best to ignore how my body is feeling. As kind as people are trying to be when they ask me how I feel…Sometimes I don’t want to be honest.

I have to focus on the good that God has done in my life because physically…

I’m in my twenties and my body feels like it’s eighty-seven. Nothing works the way it should. I feel the possibilities that God has for my life narrow and dreams disappear.

The pain  I’m in is not going to disappear. I may not get better. This could be it.

And on these days I lean on my Heavenly Father for love and support. I’m learning to trust that the plans He has for me are better than what I planned. That what I’m going through is not in vain.

It’s just more of a struggle than I would like to admit.

trust in the lord

Marriage

Marriage and healing are on my brain today. Marriage is different now than it was say for my grandparents. In their day marriage was final. It meant till death do you part. Now that’s just not true. Marriage is seen as a risk, a 50/50 chance. I don’t know if I could take the plunge with that in mind.

I also don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone without being married. It goes against God’s word for starters. And I’ve seen the damage it does to people. That being said I don’t believe that you need to have a marriage license to be married in God’s eyes. You can be bond to someone in God’s eyes without the legal paperwork.

I went to my friend’s wedding this summer. They went down a path that I’ve seen a lot with couples in my generation. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, then they moved in together, got engraded, and they had many break ups in that time. They were together on and off for five years before they got married.

And I wonder if they are able to forgive each other. Really, truly let go of the past and move on. They need healing in their relationship because we humans always seem to leave a trail of destruction in our wake.

I think that is part of what is missing in marriages today; Healing and forgiveness.

 

#blessed

I’m tired of Christians that are only showing the good. Don’t get me wrong God is amazing and has done so much in my life. There is a lot of good in my life but I’ve struggled. Twenty-seventeen was one of the hardest years of my life.

I felt like I had to set an example and be a ‘good Christian’. I didn’t really talk about what I was going through with anyone. I’ve had health problems, work problems, and we all have some sort of family problems. It all seemed to just build and build. I’ve dealt with depression before and felt that with God I would never feel that way again.

The truth is that we all need to work to stay in the light. To stay positive and to stay healthy. I think that having periods in your life where you feel depressed is natural. I’m trying to let myself feel sadness. Then I turn myself over to God. I talk to Him about how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, and I ask for help. Then I listen. 

God talks to me in a way that is personal. It’s hard to explain because how He talks to me is so tailored to me. Last year I had a vison of me walking through the desert. My hope then was that I would be able to return to New Mexico, the place where I feel most at home in this world. I have come to except that one meaning of the vison was that I was walking around in the desert in my life. I felt lost this year for the first time since choosing to follow Christ.

But I am blessed because God has led me out of the desert in my mind. My Heavenly Father loves me enough to be with me in those hard times. He doesn’t intend for me to stay there for the rest of my life but to learn from it. These are the times I must go through to become who He wants me to be.

And that, that makes it worth it.

blessed

 

Joshua 1:9

There are certain scriptures that we all as believers know. Every believer knows John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Right, right, we all know this. Sometimes I wonder if we don’t hold up and quote these scriptures without understanding the significance.

We want the blessings but we don’t want to handle the hard parts of life. We want the highs but not the lows. God doesn’t promise a perfect, easy life. God promises us to be with us if we remain in Him.

In Joshua I thought it was great when God told him to be strong and courageous. It became an even greater verse to me when I realized what Joshua was up against. He was to lead the people of Israel into the promised land. After forty years of wandering around in the desert they were finally going to see the fulfillment of what God had told Abraham.

“Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them—to the Israelites.  I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses.  Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates—all the Hittite country—to the Mediterranean Sea in the west.  No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.
“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.  Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I only took the be strong and courageous part of the verse. God only asks Joshua to be these things because He will be there for him. I’ve found that the times when I walk closest with the Lord is when I am striving after His will. When I put God first and make decisions based on what I believe the Bible says. I’ve been wrong a lot and made a lot of mistakes. It’s not the outcome but the fact that I tired that matters to God. People make judgments based on shallow things but God considers a person’s heart. 

be strong

Focus on God and what He asks of you. God wants us to fulfill His will for us. He loves us and knows what is best for us. Like a good father he will guide us if we are willing to wait on Him. We are called to be a peculiar people. We aren’t going to fit in. God wants us to lay down our burdens and let Him in to help us.  Then you too can be strong and courageous.

 

 

 

 

 

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting some more

I have for a long time used what I can do as my valve. What can I accomplish in a day?

Now, I have a head injury and I’m having problems just functioning. Staring at this computer screen is making my headache/migraine worse.

But the way you wait shows a lot about your relationship with God. It shows your growth as a Christian. I can’t lie I don’t like the way my mind is right now. I don’t like the fear or doubts that I’m feeling this morning. So, I’ve decided to trust God that everything will work out for my good. I will keep returning to my mind the good in my life. That I will get back to it.

In the meantime I’m going to take this time out, when I’m useless and learn more about God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I think I’m going to sit down with Dr. Stanley’s book Confronting Casual Christianity.

I pray that all those that are waiting like me don’t lose hope. Keep coming back to the cross. Keep praying. Remember God is right there waiting with you.

waiting