Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit, Uncategorized

Confused

I’ve been wondering how much I owe people lately. How much time should I be spending with my friends? Family? How much quiet time do I need? Am I selfishly spending my time?

In the last while I can feel my life shifting. Things are changing for me. I’m just not so sure of things as I was. I feel like God was there with me but now He wants me to prioritize differently. I’m just confused.

It’s been a week since I wrote this and I can’t say I’ve got an answer to my questions. I think that maybe the point is that I’m trying. Trying to seek God in my everyday life. Trying to understand what I should be doing. Trying to get past the things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Trying to be a better person for Him because nothing else matters.

life is confusing

 

 

Standard
2018 goal, Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, prayer, the holy spirit

A Letter to My Father

Dear Heavenly Father,

I’m sorry to have ever doubted your Will for my life.

I’m sorry that I have a hard time getting out of bed.

I’m sorry that I’m not more loving.

I’m sorry that I let others steal my joy.

I’m sorry that sometimes I misuse the gifts you have given me.

I’m sorry that at times I am distracted by the World.

I wish that I didn’t get overwhelmed so easily.

I wish that I didn’t have such a hard time changing myself.

I wish I wasn’t so suborn and would ask for help when I need it.

Lord, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Help me to accomplish those things you desire of me.

Help me find the words swimming around in my head.

Help me become who You want me to be.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen

Standard
Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit

A Fork in the Road

It’s like I stalled an old beat up car at a fork in the road of my life. According to my plan I’m way off track. According to  the expectations of some of my family I’m on some other planet.

But I’m in love with the view. I like this fork in the road. The wide open spaces, all the possibilities. I’m leaning on the car and just looking. The path forward is bright but I keep looking back over my shoulder. gratefullness To the storms in my life. I want to be grateful to God for where I am but I need to be honest about how I feel before I can get to a place of true gratefulness.

Telling myself that everything is alright when it’s not doesn’t work. Yes, I can focus on the good. I can make lists of things I’m grateful for because my life is good. This helps for a while…

Sometimes we have to look at our lives and be honest. Those times were hard, they were depressing times. Once we admit to how much we were hurt, we can heal.

At least when I’m ready to admit to my deepest hurt then I can get healing from the Holy Spirit. I can see God in all the difficult times in my life. Seeing God’s goodness in my past helps me to see God’s work in the present.

Only when I can truly put my past behind me can I move forward. Until I’m ready, I’m going to enjoy the view. I worry that I’ve spent too much time here already. Have I missed it? Then I feel God filling me with peace. It’s just time to get real about my life.

When I was seventeen I had a simple goal for my life. I wanted to be a better person. I’m wondering how I’m actually doing? Am I becoming more kind? Or bitter and jaded? Is my heart cold? Or am I just unthawing certain parts of it? Is that why it hurts so much?

Maybe it’s just that big changes in my myself have often been spired on by outward influences. New jobs, new houses, new circumstates in general. Lately I feel like the change has been more internal. I’m not sure how to apply these changes in my life.

It’s changed the way I see the past. I see how God has used the bad to create the good in my life. I also see the way it’s scared me. Lord, I want healing in these areas so I can better serve you. I want to move along. Even if nothing changes in my life.

 

Standard
forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit

Marriage

Marriage and healing are on my brain today. Marriage is different now than it was say for my grandparents. In their day marriage was final. It meant till death do you part. Now that’s just not true. Marriage is seen as a risk, a 50/50 chance. I don’t know if I could take the plunge with that in mind.

I also don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone without being married. It goes against God’s word for starters. And I’ve seen the damage it does to people. That being said I don’t believe that you need to have a marriage license to be married in God’s eyes. You can be bond to someone in God’s eyes without the legal paperwork.

I went to my friend’s wedding this summer. They went down a path that I’ve seen a lot with couples in my generation. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, then they moved in together, got engraded, and they had many break ups in that time. They were together on and off for five years before they got married.

And I wonder if they are able to forgive each other. Really, truly let go of the past and move on. They need healing in their relationship because we humans always seem to leave a trail of destruction in our wake.

I think that is part of what is missing in marriages today; Healing and forgiveness.

 

Standard
Dad, forgivness, Uncategorized

The Sins of the Father

I found out that my uncle passed away yesterday, after a long battle with cancer in a way it’s a blessing. The sad part is that I hardly knew him. I feel guilty, depressed, and frankly I’m not looking forward to having to take a walk down memory lane. My childhood still remains a rough spot for me.

My close friends know not to ask about my biological Dad. I don’t know if he’s dead or alive most days. It took me a long time to accept the fact that he is a gown man and that I can’t control him. If he doesn’t want to do something that would improve his situation that is his choice. Just like I have a right to do what I feel is best so does he. Yes, I tell him what I think about what he’s doing and I give advice. Whether he takes it or not is another story.

I feel obligated to take care of my Dad. I feel like dirt because he lives in conditions that aren’t suitable for an animal. This is the side of mental illness that I don’t hear enough about. What do you do? What is the Christian thing to do?

I hate that my extended family thinks that I am somehow responsible for him. Cause he is ultimately responsible for his own actions. I am not guilty for my father’s sins. I have enough of my own; thank you very much!

I can feel God trying to work through these issues with me. He is preparing me for a breakthrough but somethings it feels more comfortable to be in the chains we make for ourselves.

Elven days later….

I’m trying to help my Dad move into someplace decent. Where he can be around people more. It’s not easy but it feels like the right thing to do. When I saw him before the funeral it was bad. He’s doing things that I never thought he would do, sinking to new lows. Sinking, sinking, but never rising out of the mess that is mostly his own fault.

Forgivness is what I am trying to walk in. Letting go of the past to deal with the now of his situation. All the while I feel God right here with me, saying to follow Him one step at a time. Telling me that He will take care of Dad. Wheather things work out the way I want them to or not.

I feel like I should at least try to help him. After much prayer I have a path to follow in this matter. I just have to do my best to follow it. I just hope that I’m not too late.

Life is rarely what we think it will be. Having the knowledge that God is simply here with me in this time has proved to be enough for me. It is wondefull to have a Heavenly Father that loves me in a way my earthy father never will, that no eathly father could ever love a child.

Standard