Category Archives: the holy spirit

Confused

I can’t be the only one that feels like I’m a little lost lately? I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I should be studying in the bible. I’m just struggling. Ideas that would make other Christians think that I’m too radical make sense to me. I feel that I’ve over complicated my faith in the past and now I am simplifying things and it seems so much clearer.

I came across this verse and it stuck me, I need to break this down.

Rejoice always; I know that I don’t always approach situations with joy. Most times I don’t feel it. I try to fake it but that only lasts so long.

Pray Continually; I talk to God a lot but I don’t pray much for specific things. I don’t know what God’s will is in most things.

Give thanks; I think I’m better at giving thanks since this whole quarantine started. I still have my days when I’m not thankful and I still have a way to go.

I love when I find verses like this because they remind me what’s important. I feel like this helps me see what I need to work on. There’s also a slew of other things on my mind lately.

Including; How I should act in these times as a Christian.

In my mind there are many things that the church in the book of Acts did that we no longer do. We think that those tenants were for then, not now. When did God change?

We should be breaking bread together. We should be helping those in need. We should be accepting of our place in society. Whether we are rich or poor or more likely somewhere in-between. We are called to be a peculiar people. Right now I think the world needs us more than ever.

James 2:14-17(AMP)


What do my actions say about me?

Often it is easy to poke a finger at what the church does wrong. It’s more difficult to look at ourselves. It’s imperative that we evaluate our own actions and motives behind those actions. Otherwise how do we learn?

In the past year there were times when I felt bitter about where I’m at in life. I’ve wondered how I’m supposed to pray for others healing and see them better when I’m not.

Hope and I have a love/hate relationship. I love the feeling of hope but I hate to be disappointed. Maybe from the outside looking in I look healthy and happy. Inside I feel like a messed up little girl sometimes. I lost hope that my life would ever change. I thought that this was it.

I did get my hope back. I guess that’s one good thing I’ve gained this year. We all have to accept that life doesn’t go the way we want. I think it says more about me when things don’t go my way and I hold onto hope. For me it’s much harder.

Moving forward I’m going to return to some of the habits that I had when I first believed. I want to read my bible more, listen to praise and worship more, and give myself quiet time to just think. It may not be a big change but I think it will help me move forward.

Life is about the Little Moments

I’ve been trying to figure out why I struggled with my faith in 2019. I don’t have a good reason or rather I’ve found that my reason is silly. Sometimes things change in your life because of specific circumstances. Sometimes it’s because of multiple interconnecting issues. Then there are times when we just over complicate the simple.

2019 wasn’t a year when I saw much change in my life. I didn’t move. I didn’t change jobs. About the only thing that I changed was my hair color, lots. Much of what caused me to reexamine my faith this year was the lack of change. There were times when I prepared for big changes only to find the same cycles repeating themselves. I felt stuck.

  1. I couldn’t afford a vacation. In fact I got sick in the middle of our short Canadian summer.
  2. I was able to see specialist and rule out MS but I still don’t know why I have migraines. Don’t know why I have widespread pain. I’m on some new medication that is helping which is good.
  3. I did see some good changes at my job. I’m incredibly grateful for the less stressful environment that I work in.

I guess my expectations stopped me from seeing the good in my life again.

When I lost sight of God in the little moments of life I became depressed. I thought that life was about bigger and better things than those little moments. I thought it was about job promotions and big moves. The truth is that we don’t get to those big moments without the little ones.

Being faithful to God starts with daily obedience. It starts with listening to what you feel God wants you to do. Then stepping out in faith and doing it. It can seem scary but as we continue to step out for the little things we will find those big moments aren’t quite the mountains that we originally thought they were.

“But Samuel replied:

“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
    as much as in obeying the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
    and to heed is better than the fat of rams.”-1 SAMUEL 15:22(NIV)

For a long time I thought that if I was to sacrifice more God would do more through me. The truth I am finding is that He wants me to listen more.

This next year I feel will have changes but they are more internal changes. Smaller changes that may cause others to look at me like I’m crazy. What crazy is not being willing to change to become what God wants you to be?

One little moment at a time.

Kindness and Giving

I believe that as Christians we should be as kind to others as possible. There is an argument that we are supposed to be kind only to like-minded Christians. I would rather be inclusive.

I believe that we are supposed to share among the body. If you’re Brother or Sister in Christ lacks a basic necessity then it is the body’s job to supply that need.

We are supposed to look like a family of believers.

Just because you disagree with your Siblings on issues of faith doesn’t nullify your duty to them. I am sick and tired of the fighting. We will debate a comma for hours. Then we leave someone without help in their time of need because we think they are over exaggerating. When this is the reaction from the congregation, no wonder no one speaks up for help.

We are supposed to give sacrificially. That means that sometimes it’s gonna hurt. I would rather hurt now, than face my LORD in heaven and tell him why I missed out on the gift of blessing someone in need.

I’m sorry if I come off so angry but I’m heartbroken. I didn’t grow up in church. When I came to Christ all I had was my Mom and Dad and my bible. I don’t understand the selfishness that I see in the church.

We have someone who is retired in our church. He is on a fixed income and he doesn’t have enough to buy his medication and food. People in my church don’t want to help him because he smokes.

The people in my church would rather spend their retirement on cars, vacations, and homes, then on their heavenly retirement.

I wonder if we get so focused on Christ coming back that we miss all that God has for us in this life. We commit ourselves to Christ and then we wait. Then we die.

If all it means to have a relationship with God is to commit ourselves and then wait I feel like I missed something. I thought that being a Christian was life changing. I thought that it was supposed to be evident to those around us.

At least I hope that in my life, people see that I’m different.

Some Good News

I got to see my neurologist and he doesn’t think I have MS. In fact he sees no point in even putting me through more tests. He believes that all it would do is create more stress for me.

I have been officially diagnosed with migraines. It’s something that I’ve been dealing with since I was seventeen. Over the years my migraines have shifted and changed. Going from an intense, pounding pain to a much more manageable low grade headache. I was worried that my low grade headache that I’ve had for the last two years was a sign of MS. I also occasionally have dizzy spells; This is also from my migraines. I didn’t understand that migraines could cause some of the symptoms that I’ve been experiencing.

I was comforted after the long appointment because the doctor took time when taking my history. Not all doctors that I’ve seen have made me feel like they listened. He also did some reflex testing to ensure that it wasn’t MS. When he talked to me he was kind but fair. He told me that I wasn’t going crazy, that yes migraines are painful, but he wanted to put things in perspective.

I’m not bed bound. Yes, I struggle but I have a full-time job. I have a social life but at times I have to say no because I don’t have the energy.

No one knows why their lives turn out the way they do. We just have to trust that God will work out everything for our good. As long as we are willing to be obedient.

At the very least I try to love God with all my heart, mind, and my less than perfect body. I believe that because my health isn’t perfect I have to rely on God more. This makes me walk closer with Him. I also have a lot more empathy for people.

I’m going to look at the positive today and I’m going to trust God for tomorrow. I have enough on my plate for today.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you that you have already worked out the problems that I’m facing today. I’m sorry that my lack of faith makes me doubt You at times. You are faithful to me even when I have these doubts. Thank You that I’m able to work. Thank You for the friends and family that I have in my life. I believe that all I am going through will one day make me the person that You want me to be. As long as I stay on the path that You have set for me to walk, I will be where You want me to be. Not that it will be easy. No, it will be hard but I will never have to face my pain alone. Thank You for all you are teaching me and showing me lately. I pray that by writing what I feel compelled to write it will help my fellow Christians and any new Brothers and Sisters that come across this blog.

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Amen

A Thankful Update

I wanted to let those that cared on here that I seem to be doing better lately. My life hasn’t drastically changed but I’m trying to look at things differently.

I seem to be better at letting things go. The past is the past. It’s made me who I am which is good and bad. I’ve got lots of work to do if I want to become who God ultimately wants me to be.

As far as things with my Dad…He’s an adult. If he chooses to not see a doctor, then I can’t make him. I still keep him in prayer.

A heart with thank you stands against a backdrop of stars.

Speaking of prayer,thanks to all who have prayed for me. It meant a lot to me. It was some light in a dark time. I don’t think all my troubles are behind me. I do believe that there is more good ahead of me than behind me.

I’m learning to accept life. Whatever happens I trust that God is in control. He will work all things for the good of those who love Him. Yes, I would prefer to have all the answers. I would prefer to have complete control over all situations and circumnutates in life.

That’s not what I am called to do and be. I am called like the rest of you to love. To love God with all my being. To love others. That’s what I’m going to focus on.

Christian BS

I have an embrassing story to tell everyone. I’m not proud of it. In fact I’m humbled by it. I think that what I learned from it is valuable. I’m hoping by writing about it I can help someone. I’ve been a dedicated Christian for seven years now and still I’m amazed by the things that come out of my mouth. That’s enough stalling I’ll just get into it now.

To set the stage it had been an awful week at work. On top of which I’m still fighting this chest cold. On top of that my biological Dad seems to not care enough to book his medical appoinments. I’ve been booking them on his behalf and hoping that he will show up. These things could all be worthy posts of their own.

After a particularly bad day I was venting to my family. In response to my problems my real Dad(step-father) told me, “God is still on His throne.”

Instead of accepting this gem of wisdom and taking comfort in this fact I said, “I don’t need any more Christian BS.” When I said this in person it wasn’t the PG version that I’ve typed here.

I think we all come to the end of ourselves at times. God often uses these times to teach us important lessons. I wish that I had caught on before snapping like some cheap dollar store toothpick.

One part of my lesson is why I said it. I’m tired of Christians that say that if you have enough faith that nothing bad will happen to you. In part I said it for all the scripture that I’ve heard misquoted. All the times I’ve misquoted it and relied on God for something He didn’t promise.

Being tender hearted I let life erode my faith. That is dangerous.

I think I would feel better if I wasn’t so sensitive. I feel things deeply and take on others problems. In fact I often feel responsible for things that aren’t my fault. Then I feel even worse when things don’t go the way I want. Childish I know but that’s where I’m at today.

Then I start questioning God. You know what though? God always makes me feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be physically. I’m just not where He wants me to be emotionally and mentally.

I can hear all the corny Christian sayings in the world but I need the truth. At this point in my walk with the Lord, that’s what I need more than anything. The truth that will help me through everyday life.

I’m happy to say that after I calmed down I realized that yes there is a lot of problems in the Christian community. But my God is alive. He works all things for the good of those that love Him. I need to take some more time to ensure that my eyes are focused on Him. On God the Father, Christ the Son, and my Comforter the Holy Spirit.


God is still watching over us. He still cares for us in a way that amazes me. The way He reaches down through the Holy Spirit to touch a cell in the Body of Christ. This cell is humbled by the fact that I can ask for forgiveness from an Almighty God.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive me for my lack of faith in You. You are still the God who saved me. You have made me who I am. You are responsible for glorous works in my past. Stories that impower me to walk through fire now. Lord, in this struggle I took my eyes off of You. Please forgive me.

In Jesus Precious and Holy Name I Pray

Amen