Some Good News

I got to see my neurologist and he doesn’t think I have MS. In fact he sees no point in even putting me through more tests. He believes that all it would do is create more stress for me.

I have been officially diagnosed with migraines. It’s something that I’ve been dealing with since I was seventeen. Over the years my migraines have shifted and changed. Going from an intense, pounding pain to a much more manageable low grade headache. I was worried that my low grade headache that I’ve had for the last two years was a sign of MS. I also occasionally have dizzy spells; This is also from my migraines. I didn’t understand that migraines could cause some of the symptoms that I’ve been experiencing.

I was comforted after the long appointment because the doctor took time when taking my history. Not all doctors that I’ve seen have made me feel like they listened. He also did some reflex testing to ensure that it wasn’t MS. When he talked to me he was kind but fair. He told me that I wasn’t going crazy, that yes migraines are painful, but he wanted to put things in perspective.

I’m not bed bound. Yes, I struggle but I have a full-time job. I have a social life but at times I have to say no because I don’t have the energy.

No one knows why their lives turn out the way they do. We just have to trust that God will work out everything for our good. As long as we are willing to be obedient.

At the very least I try to love God with all my heart, mind, and my less than perfect body. I believe that because my health isn’t perfect I have to rely on God more. This makes me walk closer with Him. I also have a lot more empathy for people.

I’m going to look at the positive today and I’m going to trust God for tomorrow. I have enough on my plate for today.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you that you have already worked out the problems that I’m facing today. I’m sorry that my lack of faith makes me doubt You at times. You are faithful to me even when I have these doubts. Thank You that I’m able to work. Thank You for the friends and family that I have in my life. I believe that all I am going through will one day make me the person that You want me to be. As long as I stay on the path that You have set for me to walk, I will be where You want me to be. Not that it will be easy. No, it will be hard but I will never have to face my pain alone. Thank You for all you are teaching me and showing me lately. I pray that by writing what I feel compelled to write it will help my fellow Christians and any new Brothers and Sisters that come across this blog.

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Amen

A Thankful Update

I wanted to let those that cared on here that I seem to be doing better lately. My life hasn’t drastically changed but I’m trying to look at things differently.

I seem to be better at letting things go. The past is the past. It’s made me who I am which is good and bad. I’ve got lots of work to do if I want to become who God ultimately wants me to be.

As far as things with my Dad…He’s an adult. If he chooses to not see a doctor, then I can’t make him. I still keep him in prayer.

A heart with thank you stands against a backdrop of stars.

Speaking of prayer,thanks to all who have prayed for me. It meant a lot to me. It was some light in a dark time. I don’t think all my troubles are behind me. I do believe that there is more good ahead of me than behind me.

I’m learning to accept life. Whatever happens I trust that God is in control. He will work all things for the good of those who love Him. Yes, I would prefer to have all the answers. I would prefer to have complete control over all situations and circumnutates in life.

That’s not what I am called to do and be. I am called like the rest of you to love. To love God with all my being. To love others. That’s what I’m going to focus on.

Christian BS

I have an embrassing story to tell everyone. I’m not proud of it. In fact I’m humbled by it. I think that what I learned from it is valuable. I’m hoping by writing about it I can help someone. I’ve been a dedicated Christian for seven years now and still I’m amazed by the things that come out of my mouth. That’s enough stalling I’ll just get into it now.

To set the stage it had been an awful week at work. On top of which I’m still fighting this chest cold. On top of that my biological Dad seems to not care enough to book his medical appoinments. I’ve been booking them on his behalf and hoping that he will show up. These things could all be worthy posts of their own.

After a particularly bad day I was venting to my family. In response to my problems my real Dad(step-father) told me, “God is still on His throne.”

Instead of accepting this gem of wisdom and taking comfort in this fact I said, “I don’t need any more Christian BS.” When I said this in person it wasn’t the PG version that I’ve typed here.

I think we all come to the end of ourselves at times. God often uses these times to teach us important lessons. I wish that I had caught on before snapping like some cheap dollar store toothpick.

One part of my lesson is why I said it. I’m tired of Christians that say that if you have enough faith that nothing bad will happen to you. In part I said it for all the scripture that I’ve heard misquoted. All the times I’ve misquoted it and relied on God for something He didn’t promise.

Being tender hearted I let life erode my faith. That is dangerous.

I think I would feel better if I wasn’t so sensitive. I feel things deeply and take on others problems. In fact I often feel responsible for things that aren’t my fault. Then I feel even worse when things don’t go the way I want. Childish I know but that’s where I’m at today.

Then I start questioning God. You know what though? God always makes me feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be physically. I’m just not where He wants me to be emotionally and mentally.

I can hear all the corny Christian sayings in the world but I need the truth. At this point in my walk with the Lord, that’s what I need more than anything. The truth that will help me through everyday life.

I’m happy to say that after I calmed down I realized that yes there is a lot of problems in the Christian community. But my God is alive. He works all things for the good of those that love Him. I need to take some more time to ensure that my eyes are focused on Him. On God the Father, Christ the Son, and my Comforter the Holy Spirit.


God is still watching over us. He still cares for us in a way that amazes me. The way He reaches down through the Holy Spirit to touch a cell in the Body of Christ. This cell is humbled by the fact that I can ask for forgiveness from an Almighty God.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive me for my lack of faith in You. You are still the God who saved me. You have made me who I am. You are responsible for glorous works in my past. Stories that impower me to walk through fire now. Lord, in this struggle I took my eyes off of You. Please forgive me.

In Jesus Precious and Holy Name I Pray

Amen

Confused

I’ve been wondering how much I owe people lately. How much time should I be spending with my friends? Family? How much quiet time do I need? Am I selfishly spending my time?

In the last while I can feel my life shifting. Things are changing for me. I’m just not so sure of things as I was. I feel like God was there with me but now He wants me to prioritize differently. I’m just confused.

It’s been a week since I wrote this and I can’t say I’ve got an answer to my questions. I think that maybe the point is that I’m trying. Trying to seek God in my everyday life. Trying to understand what I should be doing. Trying to get past the things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Trying to be a better person for Him because nothing else matters.

life is confusing

 

 

A Letter to My Father

Dear Heavenly Father,

I’m sorry to have ever doubted your Will for my life.

I’m sorry that I have a hard time getting out of bed.

I’m sorry that I’m not more loving.

I’m sorry that I let others steal my joy.

I’m sorry that sometimes I misuse the gifts you have given me.

I’m sorry that at times I am distracted by the World.

I wish that I didn’t get overwhelmed so easily.

I wish that I didn’t have such a hard time changing myself.

I wish I wasn’t so suborn and would ask for help when I need it.

Lord, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Help me to accomplish those things you desire of me.

Help me find the words swimming around in my head.

Help me become who You want me to be.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen

A Fork in the Road

It’s like I stalled an old beat up car at a fork in the road of my life. According to my plan I’m way off track. According to  the expectations of some of my family I’m on some other planet.

But I’m in love with the view. I like this fork in the road. The wide open spaces, all the possibilities. I’m leaning on the car and just looking. The path forward is bright but I keep looking back over my shoulder. gratefullness To the storms in my life. I want to be grateful to God for where I am but I need to be honest about how I feel before I can get to a place of true gratefulness.

Telling myself that everything is alright when it’s not doesn’t work. Yes, I can focus on the good. I can make lists of things I’m grateful for because my life is good. This helps for a while…

Sometimes we have to look at our lives and be honest. Those times were hard, they were depressing times. Once we admit to how much we were hurt, we can heal.

At least when I’m ready to admit to my deepest hurt then I can get healing from the Holy Spirit. I can see God in all the difficult times in my life. Seeing God’s goodness in my past helps me to see God’s work in the present.

Only when I can truly put my past behind me can I move forward. Until I’m ready, I’m going to enjoy the view. I worry that I’ve spent too much time here already. Have I missed it? Then I feel God filling me with peace. It’s just time to get real about my life.

When I was seventeen I had a simple goal for my life. I wanted to be a better person. I’m wondering how I’m actually doing? Am I becoming more kind? Or bitter and jaded? Is my heart cold? Or am I just unthawing certain parts of it? Is that why it hurts so much?

Maybe it’s just that big changes in my myself have often been spired on by outward influences. New jobs, new houses, new circumstates in general. Lately I feel like the change has been more internal. I’m not sure how to apply these changes in my life.

It’s changed the way I see the past. I see how God has used the bad to create the good in my life. I also see the way it’s scared me. Lord, I want healing in these areas so I can better serve you. I want to move along. Even if nothing changes in my life.