I lost patience with the system at work this weekend. Normaly I can refocus myself but I didn’t even try this weekend. I feel like God has something special for me. I act like just another traveler that got a little lost on the way. The past still hautes me. The future is either something that I feel hopeful about or I am terrified. Nothing seems to be working. I want to step out with God but when it falls apart I’m not sure if it’s me, God, or the Devil that causes the fall. I feel like a mess. I’m just tried of waiting.
So here I am writing on a computer screen because I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in doubt. Drowning in debt. Drowning in emotions that I can’t seem to track down. And I’m crying because I need the release.
In April of this year I was in an accident that could have killed me. I ended up getting a concussion, which caused me to miss a month of work.(I survived getting hit in the head with glass that could have killed me) I don’t feel great about my life because it feels like nothing changed. I went back to work and the same problems. At home things are good but I feel like God could do more through my family if we could just open up to Him more.
I just want to share God’s love when I am on this earth. After the accident I felt God stronger in my life and I know He’s here. I just want to know how to serve Him.
I feel stuck because I’ve grown this year and it feels like everything stood still.
I guess the question is how do I handle this shift within myself. Taking out my frustration on others is not something I want to do. I’m going to focus on the last instructions that I got from God. I’m going to write and work hard at my day job and I’m going to be grateful for my life.
Marriage and healing are on my brain today. Marriage is different now than it was say for my grandparents. In their day marriage was final. It meant till death do you part. Now that’s just not true. Marriage is seen as a risk, a 50/50 chance. I don’t know if I could take the plunge with that in mind.
I also don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone without being married. It goes against God’s word for starters. And I’ve seen the damage it does to people. That being said I don’t believe that you need to have a marriage license to be married in God’s eyes. You can be bond to someone in God’s eyes without the legal paperwork.
I went to my friend’s wedding this summer. They went down a path that I’ve seen a lot with couples in my generation. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, then they moved in together, got engraded, and they had many break ups in that time. They were together on and off for five years before they got married.
And I wonder if they are able to forgive each other. Really, truly let go of the past and move on. They need healing in their relationship because we humans always seem to leave a trail of destruction in our wake.
I think that is part of what is missing in marriages today; Healing and forgiveness.
Another shooting, another blog post, another day.
And I wonder if what I do actually matters.
Today my friend dropped off a Valentine’s day gift for me. It was lovely and the card almost had me in tears. It made me think that I had made a difference in someone’s life. Maybe the card was too sappy but it made my day.
We can only choose how we act and react to this life. Choose wisely, get up each day and try to be Christ-like. In Christianity we have a rare gift in the form of the Holy Spirit. God dwells within us and can guide us in daily life. This seems like a precious, precious gift to me.
I often wonder what I can do for God. He has done so much for me. This can lead me into the danger of a performance based worship. Sometimes it can be a good thing forcing me to act. Other times it can play with my feelings of self-worth. What I have been learning is that if I just show up to my life I can make a difference. It doesn’t have to be another day. We can make it special by listening to that quiet voice inside us. The gift that keeps on giving.