It’s like I stalled an old beat up car at a fork in the road of my life. According to my plan I’m way off track. According to the expectations of some of my family I’m on some other planet.
But I’m in love with the view. I like this fork in the road. The wide open spaces, all the possibilities. I’m leaning on the car and just looking. The path forward is bright but I keep looking back over my shoulder. To the storms in my life. I want to be grateful to God for where I am but I need to be honest about how I feel before I can get to a place of true gratefulness.
Telling myself that everything is alright when it’s not doesn’t work. Yes, I can focus on the good. I can make lists of things I’m grateful for because my life is good. This helps for a while…
Sometimes we have to look at our lives and be honest. Those times were hard, they were depressing times. Once we admit to how much we were hurt, we can heal.
At least when I’m ready to admit to my deepest hurt then I can get healing from the Holy Spirit. I can see God in all the difficult times in my life. Seeing God’s goodness in my past helps me to see God’s work in the present.
Only when I can truly put my past behind me can I move forward. Until I’m ready, I’m going to enjoy the view. I worry that I’ve spent too much time here already. Have I missed it? Then I feel God filling me with peace. It’s just time to get real about my life.
When I was seventeen I had a simple goal for my life. I wanted to be a better person. I’m wondering how I’m actually doing? Am I becoming more kind? Or bitter and jaded? Is my heart cold? Or am I just unthawing certain parts of it? Is that why it hurts so much?
Maybe it’s just that big changes in my myself have often been spired on by outward influences. New jobs, new houses, new circumstates in general. Lately I feel like the change has been more internal. I’m not sure how to apply these changes in my life.
It’s changed the way I see the past. I see how God has used the bad to create the good in my life. I also see the way it’s scared me. Lord, I want healing in these areas so I can better serve you. I want to move along. Even if nothing changes in my life.