When I was about eighteen or seventeen I had a vison of myself standing in a desert. My hair was extremely short, and brown. I’m wearing a sundress. And I’m all alone.
At the time I thought it meant that one day I would one day return to my favorite place, the American southwest. I took the vision at face value. It gave me hope. Sometimes God has given me glimpses of the future. Sometimes it’s just a moment, a sentence, a beautiful flower, a person, or a future version of myself.
This week I cut most of my hair off. When I was at work the Lord brought this vison back to me. To be honest it had been a long time since I had even thought about it. I realized that I had that haircut, glasses, and that sundress that I’m wearing in the vision is hanging in my closet. It took my breath away. I had been in seriously prayer about where the Lord wanted me to be. I immediately thought that I should book a plane ticket. Now, it was time to go on a mission trip. I knew where I should go or did I?
It didn’t feel right. I didn’t have a God feeling about it. I began to seek what God meant. How could I get to this desert? Because I wanted to be there more than anything? And do you know what He said to me?
Write yourself there.
What? What does that mean? How on earth do I write myself there? Is this an idea for a fiction novel? Will my writing lead me to the desert?
Then I saw this blog.
This is where I will start this journey. Maybe I will physically end up in the desert. Maybe I’m in a spiritual desert because I haven’t been walking as close to God as I should. Maybe I’m in a desert and God’s saying it’s time to come out. Maybe I will be starting a whole new section of my life. The truth is I don’t have a clear-cut idea what this vision means now.
Rarely do I hear from God so clearly. But He has spoken to me and I will obey. Come along with me on this journey.
I’ve been trying to figure out what your inner self actual means. I wasn’t sure what all it covered. I’m just going to break it down bit by bit.
your old way of thinking– So much of what we do is a reflection of the way we think. I’ve been thinking about the way I think. Even though I’ve grown a lot in my nine years of walking with the Lord I still have a ways to go. In twenty-twenty I found more old thought patterns that need to be re-routed. I need to focus on what God says about me more than what others said in the past.
regret past sins– Yes, I do regret my past sins but I need help with the sins I keep repeating. We often think about not committing adultery or murder, thinking that those are the gravest sins. What about not coveting what we don’t have? I know that a part of me wishes that I had kids. I don’t and I feel like I’m right where God wants me to be. I’ve struggled with not having kids a lot over the last couple of years. It’s only when quarantine hit that I really looked at my life and became grateful for what I have.
proves repentance– Does my life prove repentance? I don’t know if I’ve changed enough. When I fall into the same old patterns what does that prove? It’s not something that I even want to think about.
seek God’s purpose for your life-This is a hard one because everyone’s purpose is so different. I think I’m getting closer to figuring out what mine is. I just want to remain open enough that as I age and enter new seasons of my life I’m aware of God. That I can keep my ears open to Him.
believe in the GOOD NEWS– I do believe and I hope to have more opportunities to share the good news this year.
I know that the world is crazy right now. I don’t know what to say about everything. I have a lot of opinions on what is happening just like everyone else. I debated putting this out there right now. The truth is that in life you are only responsible for your actions and reactions.
I don’t know why I do the things that I do sometimes. I’ve found that we have to make up our minds about who we want to be. Focus on that, focus on what YOU can do. Know that I’m writing this as much for me as for you. Don’t give up, finish the race set before you.
I feel that I should write more about personal experiences that I’ve had. I don’t feel comfortable doing this in the least. I just want those that know me in real life to know that this is just my side of things. For those that don’t know me in every story there is more than one side. This is just mine.
I want to write about having a learning disablitie, no disablite, no disablity, disability. I struggle with spelling; welcome to my life. If you find yourself wondering how the rest of this post or how all of them have few errors, you can thank my editor/Dad. I struggle to write and it probably takes me three times as long to write posts as you think. I don’t tell many people that I have a learning disability because I feel like people except less of me when they learn about it. They disregard my opinions and treat me like I’m less than capable.
I never thought I would be a writer because I struggled to even read growing up. I couldn’t keep up in school. For years my reading level was two grades below what it should have been. Kids called me stupid and I felt like it. In my class I was segregated to get extra help from the teachers aid.
At first I was just a kid that was struggling to learn to read and spell. I’m not sure when I was misdiagnosed as dyslexic. I know that in grade two I was already getting help. They put me on special programs to help me learn to read with my ‘dyslexia’. My school did what they could to help me. I can remember the school bringing in experts to test me in order to get me the right kind of help. It became frustrating for me and the school when I didn’t respond to what they were trying. In grade five I still couldn’t read at my grade level.
A lot of testing took place over the years. When I was twelve they finally stubbled onto the root of my reading problems. The muscles in my eyes couldn’t focus. Words and even whole lines would disappear off the page. In order to correct this problem I had to go to eye muscle physiotherapy. Once a week on Saturdays I would go into the city and spend two hours doing eye strengthening exercises. At home every night I would do some more exercises. I think I did this for six months. At the same time I was being totally removed from class to spend extra time reading in school. By the time I finished grade six I was reading at grade level.
I don’t know how to explain to someone who has always been able to read how much this opened up a whole new world for me. I could finally keep up in class. I was a curious kid and I was able to read books that interested me. On the summer between grade six and seven I read everything. I could escape in a way I never could before. I still love to read and I was able to turn my spare room into a library last year.
I worked hard in middle school to prove that I didn’t need all of the extra help. I hated having a teacher’s aid hover over me in every class. It can be hard to break perceptions once people see you as one thing. Some expects thought that I had a low IQ and that I would need help for the rest of my life. I thank God for my parents and the teachers who fought for me to have less help. They saw my potential and as I got less help my grades went up expect for math. I almost failed math in grade seven and eleven. I was on the honor roll for having an 85% average from grade seven to grade twelve. Yes, I had to work for it, I was never the kid that could show up for a test without studying and get a 90%.
I did have to get some help over the years. I had to have a scribe for science tests in grade seven. A scribe in the way that I’m meaning it is someone who would write my answers down for me. This was done because my science teacher couldn’t tell what I was trying to say because my spelling was so bad. I got good grades on the tests after that because I did understand the concepts. I also had to have a different spelling list in grade nine. It was dragging my grade down in a class that I otherwise was doing well in. Over the years I had to ask for extra help in math, it never clicked with me.
I want people to know that a learning disability just means that you learn differently. Yes, I still struggle with math, spelling, and I have no sense of left and right. We all have our issues. It’s important that we try to find ways to compensate for them. I felt like growing up not much was expected of me. When I struggled it got blamed on my learning disability. I wish that I would have been given the chance to try more. To see how far I could get on my own.
I still have a “I’m stupid” chip on my shoulder. I don’t tell people that I have a learning disability.
What is the point of all this?
I want people to know that no matter what you are or aren’t God can make you into the best version of yourself.
I have to rely on God’s strength daily because I’m weak. I have short comings, yet God has work for me. Since I’ve opened up I want this to not just be about me. I want to tell ya’ll that you can get through whatever you are going through by reaching out to God.
Dear Heavenly Father,
LORD, I know that it is you that is the power in my life. That you understand me. I want you to help me understand myself better. I want to see you in my everyday life. I know you are here.
Thank you for all you are doing for me and everything you have done for me. I’m not what people say of me, I’m what you say of me.
In Jesus name I pray,
Just something that stuck out to me as I was reading my bible the other day.
I can’t be the only one that feels like I’m a little lost lately? I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I should be studying in the bible. I’m just struggling. Ideas that would make other Christians think that I’m too radical make sense to me. I feel that I’ve over complicated my faith in the past and now I am simplifying things and it seems so much clearer.
I came across this verse and it stuck me, I need to break this down.
Rejoice always; I know that I don’t always approach situations with joy. Most times I don’t feel it. I try to fake it but that only lasts so long.
Pray Continually; I talk to God a lot but I don’t pray much for specific things. I don’t know what God’s will is in most things.
Give thanks; I think I’m better at giving thanks since this whole quarantine started. I still have my days when I’m not thankful and I still have a way to go.
I love when I find verses like this because they remind me what’s important. I feel like this helps me see what I need to work on. There’s also a slew of other things on my mind lately.
Including; How I should act in these times as a Christian.
In my mind there are many things that the church in the book of Acts did that we no longer do. We think that those tenants were for then, not now. When did God change?
We should be breaking bread together. We should be helping those in need. We should be accepting of our place in society. Whether we are rich or poor or more likely somewhere in-between. We are called to be a peculiar people. Right now I think the world needs us more than ever.
What do my actions say about me?
Often it is easy to poke a finger at what the church does wrong. It’s more difficult to look at ourselves. It’s imperative that we evaluate our own actions and motives behind those actions. Otherwise how do we learn?
In the past year there were times when I felt bitter about where I’m at in life. I’ve wondered how I’m supposed to pray for others healing and see them better when I’m not.
Hope and I have a love/hate relationship. I love the feeling of hope but I hate to be disappointed. Maybe from the outside looking in I look healthy and happy. Inside I feel like a messed up little girl sometimes. I lost hope that my life would ever change. I thought that this was it.
I did get my hope back. I guess that’s one good thing I’ve gained this year. We all have to accept that life doesn’t go the way we want. I think it says more about me when things don’t go my way and I hold onto hope. For me it’s much harder.
Moving forward I’m going to return to some of the habits that I had when I first believed. I want to read my bible more, listen to praise and worship more, and give myself quiet time to just think. It may not be a big change but I think it will help me move forward.