the vision, Uncategorized

The vision

When I was about eighteen or seventeen I had a vison of myself standing in a desert. My hair was extremely short,  and brown. I’m wearing a sundress. And I’m all alone.
At the time I thought it meant that one day I would one day return to my favorite place, the American southwest. I took the vision at face value. It gave me hope. Sometimes God has given me glimpses of the future. Sometimes it’s just a moment, a sentence, a beautiful flower, a person, or a future version of myself.

This week I cut most of my hair off. When I was at work the Lord brought this vison back to me. To be honest it had been a long time since I had even thought about it. I realized that I had that haircut, glasses, and that sundress that I’m wearing in the vision is hanging in my closet. It took my breath away. I had been in seriously prayer about where the Lord wanted me to be. I immediately thought that I should book a plane ticket. Now, it was time to go on a mission trip. I knew where I should go or did I?

It didn’t feel right. I didn’t have a God feeling about it. I began to seek what God meant. How could I get to this desert? Because I wanted to be there more than anything? And do you know what He said to me?

Write yourself there.

What? What does that mean? How on earth do I write myself there? Is this an idea for a fiction novel? Will my writing lead me to the desert?

Then I saw this blog.

This is where I will start this journey. Maybe I will physically end up in the desert. Maybe I’m in a spiritual desert because I haven’t been walking as close to God as I should. Maybe I’m in a desert and God’s saying it’s time to come out. Maybe I will be starting a whole new section of my life. The truth is I don’t have a clear-cut idea what this vision means now.

Rarely do I hear from God so clearly. But He has spoken to me and I will obey. Come along with me on this journey.

Your sister in Christ,
Autumn Wood

 

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love, my own crazy

Another rough night…

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Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit, Uncategorized

Confused

I’ve been wondering how much I owe people lately. How much time should I be spending with my friends? Family? How much quiet time do I need? Am I selfishly spending my time?

In the last while I can feel my life shifting. Things are changing for me. I’m just not so sure of things as I was. I feel like God was there with me but now He wants me to prioritize differently. I’m just confused.

It’s been a week since I wrote this and I can’t say I’ve got an answer to my questions. I think that maybe the point is that I’m trying. Trying to seek God in my everyday life. Trying to understand what I should be doing. Trying to get past the things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Trying to be a better person for Him because nothing else matters.

life is confusing

 

 

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2018 goal, Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, prayer, the holy spirit

A Letter to My Father

Dear Heavenly Father,

I’m sorry to have ever doubted your Will for my life.

I’m sorry that I have a hard time getting out of bed.

I’m sorry that I’m not more loving.

I’m sorry that I let others steal my joy.

I’m sorry that sometimes I misuse the gifts you have given me.

I’m sorry that at times I am distracted by the World.

I wish that I didn’t get overwhelmed so easily.

I wish that I didn’t have such a hard time changing myself.

I wish I wasn’t so suborn and would ask for help when I need it.

Lord, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Help me to accomplish those things you desire of me.

Help me find the words swimming around in my head.

Help me become who You want me to be.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen

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Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit

A Fork in the Road

It’s like I stalled an old beat up car at a fork in the road of my life. According to my plan I’m way off track. According to  the expectations of some of my family I’m on some other planet.

But I’m in love with the view. I like this fork in the road. The wide open spaces, all the possibilities. I’m leaning on the car and just looking. The path forward is bright but I keep looking back over my shoulder. gratefullness To the storms in my life. I want to be grateful to God for where I am but I need to be honest about how I feel before I can get to a place of true gratefulness.

Telling myself that everything is alright when it’s not doesn’t work. Yes, I can focus on the good. I can make lists of things I’m grateful for because my life is good. This helps for a while…

Sometimes we have to look at our lives and be honest. Those times were hard, they were depressing times. Once we admit to how much we were hurt, we can heal.

At least when I’m ready to admit to my deepest hurt then I can get healing from the Holy Spirit. I can see God in all the difficult times in my life. Seeing God’s goodness in my past helps me to see God’s work in the present.

Only when I can truly put my past behind me can I move forward. Until I’m ready, I’m going to enjoy the view. I worry that I’ve spent too much time here already. Have I missed it? Then I feel God filling me with peace. It’s just time to get real about my life.

When I was seventeen I had a simple goal for my life. I wanted to be a better person. I’m wondering how I’m actually doing? Am I becoming more kind? Or bitter and jaded? Is my heart cold? Or am I just unthawing certain parts of it? Is that why it hurts so much?

Maybe it’s just that big changes in my myself have often been spired on by outward influences. New jobs, new houses, new circumstates in general. Lately I feel like the change has been more internal. I’m not sure how to apply these changes in my life.

It’s changed the way I see the past. I see how God has used the bad to create the good in my life. I also see the way it’s scared me. Lord, I want healing in these areas so I can better serve you. I want to move along. Even if nothing changes in my life.

 

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better today

2018 goal, Father, jesus, love, the holy spirit

Better Today

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Uncategorized

My Mask

I am a firm believer that everyone does not have to know everything about me or anyone else for that matter. I’m extremely private and I value my alone time, maybe a little too much. Writing has always been an outlet for me.

But I don’t want to write about the topic I have in mind…

Mainly because I don’t want to be sick any more. Saying that I’m okay and that I’m fine just didn’t work this week. In order to reviece healing from God it takes work. Deep work that can transform my soul.health sign

But first it requires me to be honest.

On Friday of this week my pain level spiked at work. I ended up crying in front of my co-workers. I should have just gone home. I should have had a shot for the pain. I was stubborn and I had plans for that night. I finished my shift and I went out bound and determined to have a good time.

I slept Saturday away and felt better Sunday.

But it stuck me how often I put on a front around people.

Yes, I can smile. I can be thankful and I am able to focus on God and let things go for a while. The pain just keeps coming back. The problems of my life just keep coming back. I want to be grateful. I know how much being grateful can change the way we view life. I want to view life the way God sees life.

Lying to myself about how I personally feel about my health doesn’t help me deal with it. All it does is put a band-aid on it for a while. Yeah, there are days when I would like to feel normal or at least closer to it. Acknowledging that doesn’t make me a bad Christian, it just means that I’m still human.

Putting my mask on, my wall up, and refusing to let people see the vulnerable side of me doesn’t draw them to Christ. Showing them the lows, reveals how much I rely on God. Showing them the darker moments will hopefully help them to celebrate the highs with me. I’m not a teacher or a preacher, nor am I a gifted evangelist. My biggest prayer is that people can see God’s love through my actions. Words in real life often fail me. 

Showing that life is hard does not undermine God’s greatness. It highlights His love, His grace, and His peace.

That leaves me with the problem of dismantling my mask. My lifetime of walls and defenses. To be honest I have no idea where to start. I know that God will be with me every step of the way if I allow Him to be.

mask

 

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