I have walking pneumonia…again. About three years ago I had walking pneumonia for the first time. It became a catalyst for the health problems that I have today. After having walking pneumonia the first time I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
You know when you go through something in life and it is so bad that after you go through it you continually compare things to it. Like whatever you are dealing with at least you aren’t going through blank again. For me that blank would be walking pneumonia.
Yet here I am…again.
I’ve decided to trust God even though I don’t understand why I have to be so sick again. I may never know why and that’s okay. I don’t have to know the answers.
It’s been a few weeks since I wrote this….I am feeling better. I’m back to work. I still tire easy and my chest feels heavy at the end of the day. The good news is since this is my second time around I know when to take it easy. For the most part anyway…
I was watching Elevation Church and this quote stuck out to me. I’ll let you think about it. I know I still am.
I try and do as much as I can for the Lord or at least I thought I did. I have tried but have I listened? Have I trusted? Have I rested in the presence of the Holy Spirit?
Have I been straining and stressing instead of trusting?
Sometimes we have to tear down our faith to the foundation. Take a good long look at it. God will test your foundation, so you can see the cracks. Then together with Him you can rebuild.
I think you have two choices when you find your foundation cracked.You can either turn to God and become even closer or turn away. Be aware that this choice exists. Make your choice wisely.
I dreamed of becoming a zoologist when I was growing up. I’ve always loved animals, still do.I thought there could be nothing better than studying them all day or working in a zoo. I also loved animals because they couldn’t hurt me like people could. I had a strong dislike for people.
When I became a Christian my goals and dreams changed. I no longer felt that God wanted me to work in a zoo. I prayed and felt like God didn’t want me to go to bible college either. Not that either of these options can’t be right for someone else they just weren’t right for me. I was confused. I had been taught that I had to go to college or university.
Many of us frame what we feel God wants us to do through our own perspective. When I felt the Lord wanted me to write, I assumed that it would mean that I would write books. I still might write a book or several one day.
But I had framed what God wanted for me in a narrow way. It didn’t allow for all God could want for me. It was me trying to understand God’s will with my head. Trying to frame what God wanted for me with worldly standards of success.
“Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way]. “-Proverbs 3:5-6
God has given me a job and a life that suit me in ways that nothing else could have. No, everything isn’t perfect but it is good.
I’m able to love and have compassion for people when I’m at work. I’ve been able to make long lasting friendships. Something I wouldn’t be able to do if I was sitting in a classroom for eight years to get my masters. Or up in some tree house in the amazon. Not that I don’t think that it would be cool but I’ve come through things and began to understand myself in new ways.
Your human fleshly heart can make you long for things that aren’t right for you. It can make you want to simply go along with what everyone else is doing. It’s no wonder that the Lord tells us that He is our Shepard.
I want to be clear that we shouldn’t go chasing after every whim that runs through our head. I believe that our selfish desires that we blindly chase can lead to our own destruction. God gave us freewill.
And He wants us to choose Him.
For a long time I thought I couldn’t dream any more. That everything I thought about had to be firmly grounded in reality. That if I were to dream for something else that it was sinful. Having dreams, having things in your life that you would like to see happen isn’t sinful. Placing your dreams and ambitions above what God wants for you is sinful. We should strive to be in line with God.
In this life I now think some daydreaming is important. This allows you to see parts of your heart that your rational brain keeps repressed. It can show you how you really feel about things. It can also produce hope.
When I felt that everything had to be firmly grounded in reality I felt heavy. I lost my hope because I could no longer see how things could change for the better.
What I have thought for so long was that I had to do certain things to make God’s will happen. I was going to write a book and the pressure and stress ate away at me.When things didn’t happen like I thought they would I in part blamed myself. I had given up my own dreams for what I thought was God’s will and I had come up empty handed.
I never understood that life in many ways is more about the journey. It’s about having a relationship with God. It’s about taking steps in faith. It’s about giving all your dreams to God and allowing Him to decide what’s right for you.
My conclusion is that dreams have a place in our life. We just have to keep them in check.
We are all fortunate to be able to call God our Father. To cover us. To help us. To guide us.
Thank you Heavenly Father, You have accepted me as Your child. I’m a gentile, I have been grafted into the vine. Thank you for providing me with a Christian step-father who was willing to raise me as his own.
I got to see my neurologist and he doesn’t think I have MS. In fact he sees no point in even putting me through more tests. He believes that all it would do is create more stress for me.
I have been officially diagnosed with migraines. It’s something that I’ve been dealing with since I was seventeen. Over the years my migraines have shifted and changed. Going from an intense, pounding pain to a much more manageable low grade headache. I was worried that my low grade headache that I’ve had for the last two years was a sign of MS. I also occasionally have dizzy spells; This is also from my migraines. I didn’t understand that migraines could cause some of the symptoms that I’ve been experiencing.
I was comforted after the long appointment because the doctor took time when taking my history. Not all doctors that I’ve seen have made me feel like they listened. He also did some reflex testing to ensure that it wasn’t MS. When he talked to me he was kind but fair. He told me that I wasn’t going crazy, that yes migraines are painful, but he wanted to put things in perspective.
I’m not bed bound. Yes, I struggle but I have a full-time job. I have a social life but at times I have to say no because I don’t have the energy.
No one knows why their lives turn out the way they do. We just have to trust that God will work out everything for our good. As long as we are willing to be obedient.
At the very least I try to love God with all my heart, mind, and my less than perfect body. I believe that because my health isn’t perfect I have to rely on God more. This makes me walk closer with Him. I also have a lot more empathy for people.
I’m going to look at the positive today and I’m going to trust God for tomorrow. I have enough on my plate for today.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you that you have already worked out the problems that I’m facing today. I’m sorry that my lack of faith makes me doubt You at times. You are faithful to me even when I have these doubts. Thank You that I’m able to work. Thank You for the friends and family that I have in my life. I believe that all I am going through will one day make me the person that You want me to be. As long as I stay on the path that You have set for me to walk, I will be where You want me to be. Not that it will be easy. No, it will be hard but I will never have to face my pain alone. Thank You for all you are teaching me and showing me lately. I pray that by writing what I feel compelled to write it will help my fellow Christians and any new Brothers and Sisters that come across this blog.
I thought that I was trusting God with my life. I thought that I was realing on Him for everything. I think the truth was that I knew that I should be trusting God but I didn’t understand. Understanding how to actually trust God and relying on Him is a whole different ball game.
I’m an overthinker. I can talk myself into and out of something within the same day. I feel like I’m so used to stress that if it’s not there I start piling it on. Without stress my life feels wrong somehow.
The stress that I feel and the stress that I self impose is slowly killing me. I think this maybe is a part of why I feel so sick. Maybe it won’t heal me but I feel like it could be a part of my recovery.
The Lord has been showing me lately where I have tried with the right motives to make what I believed to be His will happen. I was trying to pull off God’s will with my own power. Which sounds ridiculous now that I’ve written it. That’s where I’m at.
I want to be a woman who is calm. Who is bright. Who is caring. Who relies on God everyday and in everyway. I’m just not there yet.
In Christian culture I see a lot of messages that seem to say that if you come to God, to Jesus, that you’re life will be worth it. They seem to imply that life will become great and wonderful. I’m not saying that this can’t be the case, I’m just coming to understand it in a different way.
There isn’t enough teaching in the Body of Christ about what happens after converstion. What happens when you feel stuck because you are growing in the Lord but nothing in your life has changed. What happens when the situations that you thought God would free you from are still your reality after years of following the Lord?
This is where I find myself. I’m relearning the basics of God. I’m relining up with God. I read “It’s Not Supposed to be This Way” by Lysa TerKerust this year. It’s a amazing book. It gave me a way to understand my feelings and approach God with a new vocabulary. A new way to say here is how I feel and this is how I know I should be.
It’s in striving towards that difference that I grow. It’s not always in the big things but sometimes in the little things. God cares greatly about the little things in our lives.
Lately God has been giving me little things that I’ve always wanted. I never thought I would get the chance to have them. When I gave my life to the Lord, I learned to not count on getting those little things. Since what God wants for me is more important than what I want for me.
Sometimes God will give you what you want as a reward. I feel like He is telling me that I’ve done well and there is more to come. He has also shown me that He knows me and He loves me. I know He will be here for me.
God would love to be there for you too. I’m not special. I just accept that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. That through the Holy Spirit I can have a real relationship with God the Father.
I find myself to be a little melodramatic at times. This post is just for fun. It’s spring time and in Canada after our winters we tend to get a little crazy. Here are some thoughts and feelings that you too may experience if you are coming out of winter.
The Lord gave me a word for this year. FREEDOM! Freedom from the past. Freedom to try new things. Freedom to be myself, not that I’m sure what that means or maybe I’m just too scared to try. I’m a people pleaser with a perfectionist streak. I’d rather just keep doing what ‘works’.
Now I feel like I should spread my wings and fly. That’s cheesy but that’s how I feel. It just feels wrong because I don’t deserve to have these wings. Nothing that I do feels good enough. I feel overwhelmed and underqualified.
That’s where God can shine the brightest through me. Through my weakness people can see His strength. Since they know me and know that it’s so outside of my little box that there must be something going on. It can’t just be her, she’s not that good. That’s what I want! The crazy unbelief in me that lead’s to belief in God!
Writing has always been an outlet for me. I’ve always had problems expressing myself. On paper I feel like me or in this case on a computer screen. I hope to be able to help and reach more people this year. Both in real life and online. This means that I have some things to sort out. More than likely this year I’ll come across things about myself to change that right now feel like mountains.
At the same time, I’m made for this life.
I’m exited to see what this year will bring.
I was working on this post a couple of months ago. I like to re-read some of my writing from time to time. It reminds me how far I’ve come. It’s strange how right I was that I would have mountains to climb this year. I have some darkness in me.
And I have some light in me.
My overwhelmed and underqualified feelings got the best of me. I feel like I had a bit of a breakdown. Thankfully God uses those times of brokenness to rebuild us. To re-teach us what we thought we already knew.
I’m flying a lot closer to home than I ever thought I would be. It still feels right. It still feels like it’s from God.
Today, I’ve gained more freedom from what I thought I had to be. I’m accepting who God made me to be. I’m kinda liking her. In a short-term, small amount of time spent with her kind of a way.
I wanted to let those that cared on here that I seem to be doing better lately. My life hasn’t drastically changed but I’m trying to look at things differently.
I seem to be better at letting things go. The past is the past. It’s made me who I am which is good and bad. I’ve got lots of work to do if I want to become who God ultimately wants me to be.
As far as things with my Dad…He’s an adult. If he chooses to not see a doctor, then I can’t make him. I still keep him in prayer.
Speaking of prayer,thanks to all who have prayed for me. It meant a lot to me. It was some light in a dark time. I don’t think all my troubles are behind me. I do believe that there is more good ahead of me than behind me.
I’m learning to accept life. Whatever happens I trust that God is in control. He will work all things for the good of those who love Him. Yes, I would prefer to have all the answers. I would prefer to have complete control over all situations and circumnutates in life.
That’s not what I am called to do and be. I am called like the rest of you to love. To love God with all my being. To love others. That’s what I’m going to focus on.