Father, love, my own crazy, prayer

Sick

No one would choose to be sick. No one chooses this crazy life that we are on.

This is my prayer this morning,

Dear Heavenly Father,

Lord, I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to deal with the trials that I’m currently going through. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. What I want is to serve You. I know that ultimately to serve you means to get out of bed. To walk through the fire to reforge the parts of me that are impure. To purify myself I must go forward. Even if I only take one step at a time when I would much rather run. Help me to see the good You have placed before me Lord because right now I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. Let me love those around me today in a way that glories You. Let me accept today. Let me win the battle against my flesh today.

Lord apart from you I can do nothing. Please Lord help me get out of the funk and out of this bed.

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Amen

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2019, christmas, Dad, Father, forgivness, prayer

Hope for 2019

Life is funny. Everyone has problems. I hate talking about mine but here I go about to reveal my deepest thoughts on the internet…Here are a couple things that have been going on in my life to give y ‘all some perspective.

  1. My biological Dad collapsed after open gifts this Christmas. Thank God that we were at a Christmas party and there were other people around because I freaked out. After spending my Christmas Eve and a couple early hours on Christmas day in the hospital we came to the conclusion that he probably had a seizure. Did I mention that I’m his only child? And our relationship is less than ideal.
  2. I feel nervous since I’m waiting to see a neurologist. I’m trying to find out if I have MS. This whole waiting thing is overrated. Right now I would take results over perseverance. I know that’s the wrong attitude. Sorry, Lord.

I’ll be glad when this season is over but I know that this too shall pass. That’s the amazing thing about life. It can be one thing, then another. It can be great and beautiful while making you want to throw up at the same time. In these times I see God’s work in my life even more clearly.

For Christmas I got a Christian book that just that morning I had told the Lord that I would love to read. My plan was to head down to the library. God had other plans. That’s normally how plans work in my life.

God has most importantly allowed me and my family to bless others. I hope to see this grow in 2019.

What’s your hope for 2019?

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Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit, Uncategorized

Confused

I’ve been wondering how much I owe people lately. How much time should I be spending with my friends? Family? How much quiet time do I need? Am I selfishly spending my time?

In the last while I can feel my life shifting. Things are changing for me. I’m just not so sure of things as I was. I feel like God was there with me but now He wants me to prioritize differently. I’m just confused.

It’s been a week since I wrote this and I can’t say I’ve got an answer to my questions. I think that maybe the point is that I’m trying. Trying to seek God in my everyday life. Trying to understand what I should be doing. Trying to get past the things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Trying to be a better person for Him because nothing else matters.

life is confusing

 

 

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2018 goal, Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, prayer, the holy spirit

A Letter to My Father

Dear Heavenly Father,

I’m sorry to have ever doubted your Will for my life.

I’m sorry that I have a hard time getting out of bed.

I’m sorry that I’m not more loving.

I’m sorry that I let others steal my joy.

I’m sorry that sometimes I misuse the gifts you have given me.

I’m sorry that at times I am distracted by the World.

I wish that I didn’t get overwhelmed so easily.

I wish that I didn’t have such a hard time changing myself.

I wish I wasn’t so suborn and would ask for help when I need it.

Lord, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Help me to accomplish those things you desire of me.

Help me find the words swimming around in my head.

Help me become who You want me to be.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen

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Father, forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit

A Fork in the Road

It’s like I stalled an old beat up car at a fork in the road of my life. According to my plan I’m way off track. According to  the expectations of some of my family I’m on some other planet.

But I’m in love with the view. I like this fork in the road. The wide open spaces, all the possibilities. I’m leaning on the car and just looking. The path forward is bright but I keep looking back over my shoulder. gratefullness To the storms in my life. I want to be grateful to God for where I am but I need to be honest about how I feel before I can get to a place of true gratefulness.

Telling myself that everything is alright when it’s not doesn’t work. Yes, I can focus on the good. I can make lists of things I’m grateful for because my life is good. This helps for a while…

Sometimes we have to look at our lives and be honest. Those times were hard, they were depressing times. Once we admit to how much we were hurt, we can heal.

At least when I’m ready to admit to my deepest hurt then I can get healing from the Holy Spirit. I can see God in all the difficult times in my life. Seeing God’s goodness in my past helps me to see God’s work in the present.

Only when I can truly put my past behind me can I move forward. Until I’m ready, I’m going to enjoy the view. I worry that I’ve spent too much time here already. Have I missed it? Then I feel God filling me with peace. It’s just time to get real about my life.

When I was seventeen I had a simple goal for my life. I wanted to be a better person. I’m wondering how I’m actually doing? Am I becoming more kind? Or bitter and jaded? Is my heart cold? Or am I just unthawing certain parts of it? Is that why it hurts so much?

Maybe it’s just that big changes in my myself have often been spired on by outward influences. New jobs, new houses, new circumstates in general. Lately I feel like the change has been more internal. I’m not sure how to apply these changes in my life.

It’s changed the way I see the past. I see how God has used the bad to create the good in my life. I also see the way it’s scared me. Lord, I want healing in these areas so I can better serve you. I want to move along. Even if nothing changes in my life.

 

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