Category Archives: 2019

Messy Faith

I have lots of questions about faith lately. I don’t have as many easy answers as I once had. Things that I thought were foundational to faith have been shaken. Life isn’t as black and white as I once thought.

What is the definition of faith?

According to the Webster’s dictionary it means:

1a: allegiance to duty or a person : LOYALTY lost faith in the company’s president b(1): fidelity to one’s promises(2): sincerity of intentions acted in good faith 2a(1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God(2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b(1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof clinging to the faith that her missing son would one day return(2): complete trust 3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction especially: a system of religious beliefs the Protestant faith

And how would you define your faith? Is it strong, weak, or somewhere in between. Is it something that defines you? Or just another part of you? Are you waiting on God or expecting God to wait on you?

I’ve discovered something I think of as “Fairy-tale Faith”. It’s a type of faith where you believe that no one should ever suffer. Every one should be healed. Life should be a Utopian.

Where is the biblical evidence of this?

From what I’ve read it sounds like God is more interested in the internal parts of you. He wants you to have a right heart. Not a perfect worldly life. Yes, God is the ultimate giver of good gifts and He knows when something is too much for you.

In part I’m writing this for those that tell me that any time that I talk about not one day being healed that I shouldn’t say that. That being around those that are realistic is somehow affecting my chance of healing. Yes, they are right it is important to remain positive but I’m not waiting on “my healing” to start doing the Lord’s work for me.

I’m not some princess waiting to be saved. I have been saved. I’m set free from this World and from myself. Now I can fulfill God’s will for me. I accept that His will may be for me to be sick for the rest of my life. I also wouldn’t mind if He healed me today. I will be content with things as they are.

Saying that everyone will be healed is dangerous. Promising to new believers that if they accept God it will unlock all they have ever dreamed of is unhealthy. It leads to faith that is easily chocked out by the hardships of life. I want faith that is strong because I’ve been through hell on earth.

I’ve suffered some and I’ve learned that I have so much more to learn. God wants us to cling to Him and He will allow us to go through hardships to grow closer to Him.

When I felt that I needed to prove to everyone that following God would led to only good things I needed to look like I felt happy.

I just don’t feel that I need to project something that I don’t feel. I still try to remain positive. I think that it is important to hold onto to the good in this life. It can help you through the difficult times. It’s more import to be joyful and focus on the internal peace that God offers. This will allow you to feel happy more often.

When your fairy tale faith makes you think that everything has to be good, you miss out on the areas that you need to work on internally. Areas that the Lord wants you to work on for your own good. Yes, it hurts to look at the parts of you that aren’t Christ-like but it leads to real growth when you do.

For me finding joy is something that I have to actively search for. I’m someone who see’s the good in others but I often miss the good in myself. I’m someone who has been clinically depressed and doesn’t want to go back there. For me God is what has gotten me up on mornings when I would have rather just stayed in bed.

God doesn’t promise that it will be easy. He promises that it will be worth it.

I believe in this statement. I have faith that God is real and that His son died for me. I will try and change to become the new creation that God wills me to be. Rain or shine, sick or healthy, rich or poor, I pray that I will be strong enough to complete His will for me. This is my messy definition of faith.

Kindness and Giving

I believe that as Christians we should be as kind to others as possible. There is an argument that we are supposed to be kind only to like-minded Christians. I would rather be inclusive.

I believe that we are supposed to share among the body. If you’re Brother or Sister in Christ lacks a basic necessity then it is the body’s job to supply that need.

We are supposed to look like a family of believers.

Just because you disagree with your Siblings on issues of faith doesn’t nullify your duty to them. I am sick and tired of the fighting. We will debate a comma for hours. Then we leave someone without help in their time of need because we think they are over exaggerating. When this is the reaction from the congregation, no wonder no one speaks up for help.

We are supposed to give sacrificially. That means that sometimes it’s gonna hurt. I would rather hurt now, than face my LORD in heaven and tell him why I missed out on the gift of blessing someone in need.

I’m sorry if I come off so angry but I’m heartbroken. I didn’t grow up in church. When I came to Christ all I had was my Mom and Dad and my bible. I don’t understand the selfishness that I see in the church.

We have someone who is retired in our church. He is on a fixed income and he doesn’t have enough to buy his medication and food. People in my church don’t want to help him because he smokes.

The people in my church would rather spend their retirement on cars, vacations, and homes, then on their heavenly retirement.

I wonder if we get so focused on Christ coming back that we miss all that God has for us in this life. We commit ourselves to Christ and then we wait. Then we die.

If all it means to have a relationship with God is to commit ourselves and then wait I feel like I missed something. I thought that being a Christian was life changing. I thought that it was supposed to be evident to those around us.

At least I hope that in my life, people see that I’m different.

Blogger Recognition Award

First off thank you Inside Cup for nominating me for this award. It came when I was least expecting it. I didn’t think that what I was writing was really helping people and getting this award was great encouragement.

The Blogger Recognition Award is a award by bloggers for bloggers. Meaning that the award is given by bloggers to bloggers. It is in recognition of the hard work that goes into each and every post. Not to mention the fact that the site is kept current and updated.

How I got Started

I started this blog after getting a vision from the Lord. Hi, I’m that kind of crazy Christian. I’m going to link the original post since it sums everything up nicely. I thought that my blog would be a way for readers to get to know me before I published a book. It’s come to mean more to me than that. I’ve also gotten more personal on here than I thought. Different people have told me that I should write about my life since it’s been…unique. Thank you for those who told me this through out the years. If you were just being nice to me, well, I took you literally.

Advice

1.My first piece of advice for new bloggers is more of writing advice. Write something you would read. This may sound like commonsense but I know that it helped me. Stop trying to entice readers in by writing what you think they want to hear. Believe me I know how tempting that can be. Write what will help you. Write what inspires you. Write what bothers you. Just make sure that the end product is something that if you were scrolling through you would stop and click on it.

2.Be honest. I think in today’s day and age people crave honesty. I believe people need Christ and they need hope. Honest hope, not look how great everything is for me, but let me cry on the bathroom floor with you because I understand and things can get better hope. People I have found need the truth. They need to see life as it is, not more fake imagines of what is unattainable.

Christ means more to me than when I started my blog. I have found that not everything turns out. But everywhere I go Christ, The Holy Spirit, and God The Father go with me. By opening up more I hope to be able to help people more. And you can only do that by being honest.

I Nominate You

  1. HeartsWord
  2. Lifeintheslowlane
  3. AChristianWorldviewofFiction
  4. FREE
  5. ABoldandDaringSpirit
  6. TheGodlyChicDiaries
  7. TheGriefReality
  8. SacrificeBeyondPrice
  9. EverySmallVoice
  10. Th(i)nkful
  11. RetrospectiveLily
  12. FeedingonJesus
  13. notmyownblog
  14. BeYeGlad
  15. BlueCordelia

Rules for the Nominees

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  2. Write a post to show off your award. You’ve all earned it!
  3. Give a brief story of how you started blogging.
  4. Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.
  5. Nominate 15 other bloggers that you want to receive this award. Make sure to comment on each blog to let them know they have received the award and provide a link to your post about the award.

Congratulations to all those nominated! Thank you for giving me as a reader new incites and ways of looking at the world.

Here I go…Again

I have walking pneumonia…again. About three years ago I had walking pneumonia for the first time. It became a catalyst for the health problems that I have today. After having walking pneumonia the first time I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

You know when you go through something in life and it is so bad that after you go through it you continually compare things to it. Like whatever you are dealing with at least you aren’t going through blank again. For me that blank would be walking pneumonia.

Yet here I am…again.

I’ve decided to trust God even though I don’t understand why I have to be so sick again. I may never know why and that’s okay. I don’t have to know the answers.

…

It’s been a few weeks since I wrote this….I am feeling better. I’m back to work. I still tire easy and my chest feels heavy at the end of the day. The good news is since this is my second time around I know when to take it easy. For the most part anyway…

I was watching Elevation Church and this quote stuck out to me. I’ll let you think about it. I know I still am.

I try and do as much as I can for the Lord or at least I thought I did. I have tried but have I listened? Have I trusted? Have I rested in the presence of the Holy Spirit?

Have I been straining and stressing instead of trusting?

Sometimes we have to tear down our faith to the foundation. Take a good long look at it. God will test your foundation, so you can see the cracks. Then together with Him you can rebuild.

I think you have two choices when you find your foundation cracked.You can either turn to God and become even closer or turn away. Be aware that this choice exists. Make your choice wisely.

Dreams

I dreamed of becoming a zoologist when I was growing up. I’ve always loved animals, still do.I thought there could be nothing better than studying them all day or working in a zoo. I also loved animals because they couldn’t hurt me like people could. I had a strong dislike for people.

When I became a Christian my goals and dreams changed. I no longer felt that God wanted me to work in a zoo. I prayed and felt like God didn’t want me to go to bible college either. Not that either of these options can’t be right for someone else they just weren’t right for me. I was confused. I had been taught that I had to go to college or university.

Many of us frame what we feel God wants us to do through our own perspective. When I felt the Lord wanted me to write, I assumed that it would mean that I would write books. I still might write a book or several one day.

But I had framed what God wanted for me in a narrow way. It didn’t allow for all God could want for me. It was me trying to understand God’s will with my head. Trying to frame what God wanted for me with worldly standards of success.

“Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way]. “-Proverbs 3:5-6

God has given me a job and a life that suit me in ways that nothing else could have. No, everything isn’t perfect but it is good.

I’m able to love and have compassion for people when I’m at work. I’ve been able to make long lasting friendships. Something I wouldn’t be able to do if I was sitting in a classroom for eight years to get my masters. Or up in some tree house in the amazon. Not that I don’t think that it would be cool but I’ve come through things and began to understand myself in new ways.

Your human fleshly heart can make you long for things that aren’t right for you. It can make you want to simply go along with what everyone else is doing. It’s no wonder that the Lord tells us that He is our Shepard.

I want to be clear that we shouldn’t go chasing after every whim that runs through our head. I believe that our selfish desires that we blindly chase can lead to our own destruction. God gave us freewill.

And He wants us to choose Him.

For a long time I thought I couldn’t dream any more. That everything I thought about had to be firmly grounded in reality. That if I were to dream for something else that it was sinful. Having dreams, having things in your life that you would like to see happen isn’t sinful. Placing your dreams and ambitions above what God wants for you is sinful. We should strive to be in line with God.

In this life I now think some daydreaming is important. This allows you to see parts of your heart that your rational brain keeps repressed. It can show you how you really feel about things. It can also produce hope.

When I felt that everything had to be firmly grounded in reality I felt heavy. I lost my hope because I could no longer see how things could change for the better.

What I have thought for so long was that I had to do certain things to make God’s will happen. I was going to write a book and the pressure and stress ate away at me.When things didn’t happen like I thought they would I in part blamed myself. I had given up my own dreams for what I thought was God’s will and I had come up empty handed.

I never understood that life in many ways is more about the journey. It’s about having a relationship with God. It’s about taking steps in faith. It’s about giving all your dreams to God and allowing Him to decide what’s right for you.

My conclusion is that dreams have a place in our life. We just have to keep them in check.

Some Good News

I got to see my neurologist and he doesn’t think I have MS. In fact he sees no point in even putting me through more tests. He believes that all it would do is create more stress for me.

I have been officially diagnosed with migraines. It’s something that I’ve been dealing with since I was seventeen. Over the years my migraines have shifted and changed. Going from an intense, pounding pain to a much more manageable low grade headache. I was worried that my low grade headache that I’ve had for the last two years was a sign of MS. I also occasionally have dizzy spells; This is also from my migraines. I didn’t understand that migraines could cause some of the symptoms that I’ve been experiencing.

I was comforted after the long appointment because the doctor took time when taking my history. Not all doctors that I’ve seen have made me feel like they listened. He also did some reflex testing to ensure that it wasn’t MS. When he talked to me he was kind but fair. He told me that I wasn’t going crazy, that yes migraines are painful, but he wanted to put things in perspective.

I’m not bed bound. Yes, I struggle but I have a full-time job. I have a social life but at times I have to say no because I don’t have the energy.

No one knows why their lives turn out the way they do. We just have to trust that God will work out everything for our good. As long as we are willing to be obedient.

At the very least I try to love God with all my heart, mind, and my less than perfect body. I believe that because my health isn’t perfect I have to rely on God more. This makes me walk closer with Him. I also have a lot more empathy for people.

I’m going to look at the positive today and I’m going to trust God for tomorrow. I have enough on my plate for today.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you that you have already worked out the problems that I’m facing today. I’m sorry that my lack of faith makes me doubt You at times. You are faithful to me even when I have these doubts. Thank You that I’m able to work. Thank You for the friends and family that I have in my life. I believe that all I am going through will one day make me the person that You want me to be. As long as I stay on the path that You have set for me to walk, I will be where You want me to be. Not that it will be easy. No, it will be hard but I will never have to face my pain alone. Thank You for all you are teaching me and showing me lately. I pray that by writing what I feel compelled to write it will help my fellow Christians and any new Brothers and Sisters that come across this blog.

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Amen