My Dad is a hard topic for me. He moved to the small town I live in this year. I’ve had more contact with him this year than I have in seven years at least. It’s caused me to have to deal with a lot of issues. I’ve had to look at what it means to forgive but also keep him at arms length… wondering the whole time if I was doing the right thing.
It’s been hard to know how to deal with someone who is clearly not mentally well. How do you forgive someone when they are clearly not the same person that hurt you? I pray a lot for help. How do you know what was intentional? You don’t. How do you care for them? I don’t know. That’s the truth. This is one of those times in life when there is no simple answer.
Dad has a hard time communicating. The one thing that he keeps telling me is “I love you, anyway”. Even when I don’t visit as often as he would like. When I don’t meet his expectations. When I feel like I’ve failed. It’s hard for me to feel like he loves me. Dad didn’t tell me he loved me until Mom told him by not telling me he would mess me up. I was eleven.
He told me “You know I love you right?”
“Yeah Dad I know.”
But I was never really sure. Not when I was young, he didn’t behavior in a way that made me think he loved me. I wasn’t able to see that he was trying, doing the best that he could. At times I think that he could have done better but he couldn’t understand how his actions affected me. I don’t honestly think that he understands the long term affects of any of the actions that he’s taken.
It’s hard to explain what my Dad is like…He’s just so different. His actions often lack any logic that I can follow.
There were many times that I have to thank those around me for taking care of me. For teaching me things that he should have taught me that he didn’t have the words for or didn’t know himself. I can say looking back that God watched over me and kept me safe. I would like to think that I’m more empathic for what I’ve been through. I can honestly say that sometimes being normal still eludes me. That is both a blessing and a curse.
I try to remain grateful for how peaceful my home life is these days. At least it truly is a place where I can be myself. Sorry to my family that I live with, I know that I’ve been a lot more on edge these days.
Sorry for the silence online it’s just that most of what I’ve been writing about these days is just between me and God. For all those like me who have to live with mental illness and the lack of knowing what to do about it. I don’t have any advice expect to lean into and on God. If only to keep yourself somewhat sane.
God has lifted me out of the worst parts of my life in the past. He will do so again in His timing and in His own way. Until then I will keep holding on to my Heavenly Father, His son who died for me Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit that is my strength in all storms.
I’ve been working on a novel for what feels like forever. I’m currently having a hard time writing it because I have to put my main character through hell. I know that on the other side she’s going to be a better person. She’s going to learn and grow. I just find myself unable to write the pain that she’s going to have to experience first.
I found myself wondering if that isn’t how God looks at us sometimes.
I’ve always loved animals. The world that God has created amazes me.
I have found that I have hope in Christ again. Not that everything will work out how I want it too. Things may get much, much worse. We may never get back to normal, not at least how we once knew it. That’s okay because Christ is still with us. No matter what happens if we reach out to God with sincerity He will reach back.
For me it’s important to remember how much God loves me. When I fill up my cup then it can overflow to those around me. To my family, friends, and coworkers. Even in these trying times He was not forgotten me. It just took me awhile to find my hope again. To remember that I’m not the only one going through a hard time. We are all going through something right now. Kindness is easier for me to show to others when I remember where my hope comes from.
Not from the easily corrupted leaders of this world. Politics are a dirty game. I know that God is in control. I know that He has a plan and He will use bad leaders and good leaders to bring about what He desires. Even if it means life may get really uncomfortable for those that believe. We know that it`s going to get worse before it gets better. One day it will be dangerous everywhere.
I believe that we are closer to the end than the beginning of times. Even if I’m wrong in this, I know that it is right to draw closer to God in all times regardless. It’s like the hymn goes:
Turn you eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
Remember your first love my fellow believers, we will get through this. Hold onto your hope.
Forgive me Father for making my faith in You so complicated.
I’ve been trying to figure out what your inner self actual means. I wasn’t sure what all it covered. I’m just going to break it down bit by bit.
your old way of thinking– So much of what we do is a reflection of the way we think. I’ve been thinking about the way I think. Even though I’ve grown a lot in my nine years of walking with the Lord I still have a ways to go. In twenty-twenty I found more old thought patterns that need to be re-routed. I need to focus on what God says about me more than what others said in the past.
regret past sins– Yes, I do regret my past sins but I need help with the sins I keep repeating. We often think about not committing adultery or murder, thinking that those are the gravest sins. What about not coveting what we don’t have? I know that a part of me wishes that I had kids. I don’t and I feel like I’m right where God wants me to be. I’ve struggled with not having kids a lot over the last couple of years. It’s only when quarantine hit that I really looked at my life and became grateful for what I have.
proves repentance– Does my life prove repentance? I don’t know if I’ve changed enough. When I fall into the same old patterns what does that prove? It’s not something that I even want to think about.
seek God’s purpose for your life-This is a hard one because everyone’s purpose is so different. I think I’m getting closer to figuring out what mine is. I just want to remain open enough that as I age and enter new seasons of my life I’m aware of God. That I can keep my ears open to Him.
believe in the GOOD NEWS– I do believe and I hope to have more opportunities to share the good news this year.
I know that the world is crazy right now. I don’t know what to say about everything. I have a lot of opinions on what is happening just like everyone else. I debated putting this out there right now. The truth is that in life you are only responsible for your actions and reactions.
I don’t know why I do the things that I do sometimes. I’ve found that we have to make up our minds about who we want to be. Focus on that, focus on what YOU can do. Know that I’m writing this as much for me as for you. Don’t give up, finish the race set before you.