I am a firm believer that everyone does not have to know everything about me or anyone else for that matter. I’m extremely private and I value my alone time, maybe a little too much. Writing has always been an outlet for me.

But I don’t want to write about the topic I have in mind…

Mainly because I don’t want to be sick any more. Saying that I’m okay and that I’m fine just didn’t work this week. In order to reviece healing from God it takes work. Deep work that can transform my soul.

But first it requires me to be honest.

On Friday of this week my pain level spiked at work. I ended up crying in front of my co-workers. I should have just gone home. I should have had a shot for the pain. I was stubborn and I had plans for that night. I finished my shift and I went out bound and determined to have a good time.

I slept Saturday away and felt better Sunday.

But it stuck me how often I put on a front around people.

Yes, I can smile. I can be thankful and I am able to focus on God and let things go for a while. The pain just keeps coming back. The problems of my life just keep coming back. I want to be grateful. I know how much being grateful can change the way we view life. I want to view life the way God sees life.

Lying to myself about how I personally feel about my health doesn’t help me deal with it. All it does is put a band-aid on it for a while. Yeah, there are days when I would like to feel normal or at least closer to it. Acknowledging that doesn’t make me a bad Christian, it just means that I’m still human.

Putting my mask on, my wall up, and refusing to let people see the vulnerable side of me doesn’t draw them to Christ. Showing them the lows, reveals how much I rely on God. Showing them the darker moments will hopefully help them to celebrate the highs with me. I’m not a teacher or a preacher, nor am I a gifted evangelist. My biggest prayer is that people can see God’s love through my actions. Words in real life often fail me. 

Showing that life is hard does not undermine God’s greatness. It highlights His love, His grace, and His peace.

That leaves me with the problem of dismantling my mask. My lifetime of walls and defenses. To be honest I have no idea where to start. I know that God will be with me every step of the way if I allow Him to be.

Over the last year and a half my life has drastically changed because my relatively good health was ripped away from me. I wake up in pain. I go to bed in pain. I take pain meds to help me sleep and function. Some days it’s not enough for me to just be able to function. Some days I would love to be able to fly…or at least get more done on my ever  growing list.

I feel like I let people down because I’m not who I once was. I was reading in a book that you shouldn’t grieve for what you could do before you got sick. I’m grieving this week. It’s harder this fall knowing how I’m going to feel as the weather gets colder. Last winter it was all kind of a surprise.

Even though I’ve found medications and supplements and strategies to help me feel better, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to handle the pain. I’m terrified that I’m going to take things out on those closest to me. Which makes me want to go hide in my bedroom under my heated blanket.  I can be a real bear first thing in the morning. Does that mean that I can hibernate this winter? Why can’t humans hibernate?

I’ve also been struggling this week with trusting God. I know that He works all things for the good of those that love Him but I’m not seeing it. Sorry, Lord that was honest and painful to admit but it’s how I’ve been feeling.

What I have been struggling to trust God in the most doesn’t even have to do with my own health. My best friend and the person that knows me the best in the world is having health problems. I want to take the problems on myself and trade places with him. If I could I would. As much as it sucks to feel sick it’s worse for me to watch someone I love in pain. I’m hoping for good test results but I’m also praying that he can feel the Lord’s presence and that he can understand that God is with him.

That’s what I want to talk about. Not the faith that says that everything will be okay. The faith to believe that God is there with us in our struggle. He feels our pain with us. He is the only one who literally feels our pain.

In my life, in my own experiences, the times when I have felt the most fear is when God then strengths my faith in Him. Through the pain and the struggling with my trust issues I have found a well of faith. Faith that soothes my soul. Faith that reminds me once again-since I seem to need a lot of reminders-of all God has done for me. All He has brought me through.

And this allows me to take a deep breath.

I don’t know the answers to the test results. I don’t know if I will ever wake up one day and feel better. I don’t know what the future holds.

I do know that as long as I focus on the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, that I can act in a godly way. Without Him I can’t because there are parts of me that scream to be mad. To act out.

But God calls us to act in love.

I’m going to fight my fear with my faith in God. I hope that I can act in love. Not because I’m a strong person but because I have a strong God.

Hi, My name is Autumn and I feel like a failure because I can’t seem to go through life without feeling stress.

That statement seems ridculus but for me I’ve felt this way for far too long. I will prewarn you that this post may not have any life giving advice. On this subject right now all I feel is frusturation.

I felt like if I felt stress at all that I was letting God down. I was failing Him by not having enough faith. I would stress about feeling stress. This would only compound my stress level.That feeling of failure would led me to fear. Fear would led me to freeze.

It is a damaging belief in the Church that if you feel doubt or stress you are somehow wrong. It’s not the feelings but what we do about them that determines sinfulness.

Let’s break these chains that led to misplaced shame and guilt about our emotions. They aren’t welcome here no more.