Author Archives: autumnwoodwrites
I’ve Been Working on Something…
I’ve never tired to link something so I hope this works. I have been making designs for a while and I feel like I should share them.
Here is a sample of my work. If you like it check out my store. Thanks.
Confused
I’ve been wondering how much I owe people lately. How much time should I be spending with my friends? Family? How much quiet time do I need? Am I selfishly spending my time?
In the last while I can feel my life shifting. Things are changing for me. I’m just not so sure of things as I was. I feel like God was there with me but now He wants me to prioritize differently. I’m just confused.
…
It’s been a week since I wrote this and I can’t say I’ve got an answer to my questions. I think that maybe the point is that I’m trying. Trying to seek God in my everyday life. Trying to understand what I should be doing. Trying to get past the things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Trying to be a better person for Him because nothing else matters.
A Letter to My Father
Dear Heavenly Father,
I’m sorry to have ever doubted your Will for my life.
I’m sorry that I have a hard time getting out of bed.
I’m sorry that I’m not more loving.
I’m sorry that I let others steal my joy.
I’m sorry that sometimes I misuse the gifts you have given me.
I’m sorry that at times I am distracted by the World.
I wish that I didn’t get overwhelmed so easily.
I wish that I didn’t have such a hard time changing myself.
I wish I wasn’t so suborn and would ask for help when I need it.
Lord, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Help me to accomplish those things you desire of me.
Help me find the words swimming around in my head.
Help me become who You want me to be.
In Jesus name I pray,
Amen
A Fork in the Road
It’s like I stalled an old beat up car at a fork in the road of my life. According to my plan I’m way off track. According to the expectations of some of my family I’m on some other planet.
But I’m in love with the view. I like this fork in the road. The wide open spaces, all the possibilities. I’m leaning on the car and just looking. The path forward is bright but I keep looking back over my shoulder. 
To the storms in my life. I want to be grateful to God for where I am but I need to be honest about how I feel before I can get to a place of true gratefulness.
Telling myself that everything is alright when it’s not doesn’t work. Yes, I can focus on the good. I can make lists of things I’m grateful for because my life is good. This helps for a while…
Sometimes we have to look at our lives and be honest. Those times were hard, they were depressing times. Once we admit to how much we were hurt, we can heal.
At least when I’m ready to admit to my deepest hurt then I can get healing from the Holy Spirit. I can see God in all the difficult times in my life. Seeing God’s goodness in my past helps me to see God’s work in the present.
Only when I can truly put my past behind me can I move forward. Until I’m ready, I’m going to enjoy the view. I worry that I’ve spent too much time here already. Have I missed it? Then I feel God filling me with peace. It’s just time to get real about my life.
When I was seventeen I had a simple goal for my life. I wanted to be a better person. I’m wondering how I’m actually doing? Am I becoming more kind? Or bitter and jaded? Is my heart cold? Or am I just unthawing certain parts of it? Is that why it hurts so much?
Maybe it’s just that big changes in my myself have often been spired on by outward influences. New jobs, new houses, new circumstates in general. Lately I feel like the change has been more internal. I’m not sure how to apply these changes in my life.
It’s changed the way I see the past. I see how God has used the bad to create the good in my life. I also see the way it’s scared me. Lord, I want healing in these areas so I can better serve you. I want to move along. Even if nothing changes in my life.
My Mask
I am a firm believer that everyone does not have to know everything about me or anyone else for that matter. I’m extremely private and I value my alone time, maybe a little too much. Writing has always been an outlet for me.
But I don’t want to write about the topic I have in mind…
Mainly because I don’t want to be sick any more. Saying that I’m okay and that I’m fine just didn’t work this week. In order to reviece healing from God it takes work. Deep work that can transform my soul.
But first it requires me to be honest.
On Friday of this week my pain level spiked at work. I ended up crying in front of my co-workers. I should have just gone home. I should have had a shot for the pain. I was stubborn and I had plans for that night. I finished my shift and I went out bound and determined to have a good time.
I slept Saturday away and felt better Sunday.
But it stuck me how often I put on a front around people.
Yes, I can smile. I can be thankful and I am able to focus on God and let things go for a while. The pain just keeps coming back. The problems of my life just keep coming back. I want to be grateful. I know how much being grateful can change the way we view life. I want to view life the way God sees life.
Lying to myself about how I personally feel about my health doesn’t help me deal with it. All it does is put a band-aid on it for a while. Yeah, there are days when I would like to feel normal or at least closer to it. Acknowledging that doesn’t make me a bad Christian, it just means that I’m still human.
Putting my mask on, my wall up, and refusing to let people see the vulnerable side of me doesn’t draw them to Christ. Showing them the lows, reveals how much I rely on God. Showing them the darker moments will hopefully help them to celebrate the highs with me. I’m not a teacher or a preacher, nor am I a gifted evangelist. My biggest prayer is that people can see God’s love through my actions. Words in real life often fail me.
Showing that life is hard does not undermine God’s greatness. It highlights His love, His grace, and His peace.
That leaves me with the problem of dismantling my mask. My lifetime of walls and defenses. To be honest I have no idea where to start. I know that God will be with me every step of the way if I allow Him to be.
