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A bit more personal;

1 Corinthians 1:25(NIV)

I feel that I should write more about personal experiences that I’ve had. I don’t feel comfortable doing this in the least. I just want those that know me in real life to know that this is just my side of things. For those that don’t know me in every story there is more than one side. This is just mine.

I want to write about having a learning disablitie, no disablite, no disablity, disability. I struggle with spelling; welcome to my life. If you find yourself wondering how the rest of this post or how all of them have few errors, you can thank my editor/Dad. I struggle to write and it probably takes me three times as long to write posts as you think. I don’t tell many people that I have a learning disability because I feel like people except less of me when they learn about it. They disregard my opinions and treat me like I’m less than capable.

I never thought I would be a writer because I struggled to even read growing up. I couldn’t keep up in school. For years my reading level was two grades below what it should have been. Kids called me stupid and I felt like it. In my class I was segregated to get extra help from the teachers aid.

At first I was just a kid that was struggling to learn to read and spell. I’m not sure when I was misdiagnosed as dyslexic. I know that in grade two I was already getting help. They put me on special programs to help me learn to read with my ‘dyslexia’. My school did what they could to help me. I can remember the school bringing in experts to test me in order to get me the right kind of help. It became frustrating for me and the school when I didn’t respond to what they were trying. In grade five I still couldn’t read at my grade level.

A lot of testing took place over the years. When I was twelve they finally stubbled onto the root of my reading problems. The muscles in my eyes couldn’t focus. Words and even whole lines would disappear off the page. In order to correct this problem I had to go to eye muscle physiotherapy. Once a week on Saturdays I would go into the city and spend two hours doing eye strengthening exercises. At home every night I would do some more exercises. I think I did this for six months. At the same time I was being totally removed from class to spend extra time reading in school. By the time I finished grade six I was reading at grade level.

I don’t know how to explain to someone who has always been able to read how much this opened up a whole new world for me. I could finally keep up in class. I was a curious kid and I was able to read books that interested me. On the summer between grade six and seven I read everything. I could escape in a way I never could before. I still love to read and I was able to turn my spare room into a library last year.

I worked hard in middle school to prove that I didn’t need all of the extra help. I hated having a teacher’s aid hover over me in every class. It can be hard to break perceptions once people see you as one thing. Some expects thought that I had a low IQ and that I would need help for the rest of my life. I thank God for my parents and the teachers who fought for me to have less help. They saw my potential and as I got less help my grades went up expect for math. I almost failed math in grade seven and eleven. I was on the honor roll for having an 85% average from grade seven to grade twelve. Yes, I had to work for it, I was never the kid that could show up for a test without studying and get a 90%.

I did have to get some help over the years. I had to have a scribe for science tests in grade seven. A scribe in the way that I’m meaning it is someone who would write my answers down for me. This was done because my science teacher couldn’t tell what I was trying to say because my spelling was so bad. I got good grades on the tests after that because I did understand the concepts. I also had to have a different spelling list in grade nine. It was dragging my grade down in a class that I otherwise was doing well in. Over the years I had to ask for extra help in math, it never clicked with me.

I want people to know that a learning disability just means that you learn differently. Yes, I still struggle with math, spelling, and I have no sense of left and right. We all have our issues. It’s important that we try to find ways to compensate for them. I felt like growing up not much was expected of me. When I struggled it got blamed on my learning disability. I wish that I would have been given the chance to try more. To see how far I could get on my own.

I still have a “I’m stupid” chip on my shoulder. I don’t tell people that I have a learning disability.

What is the point of all this?

I want people to know that no matter what you are or aren’t God can make you into the best version of yourself.

I have to rely on God’s strength daily because I’m weak. I have short comings, yet God has work for me. Since I’ve opened up I want this to not just be about me. I want to tell ya’ll that you can get through whatever you are going through by reaching out to God.

Dear Heavenly Father,

LORD, I know that it is you that is the power in my life. That you understand me. I want you to help me understand myself better. I want to see you in my everyday life. I know you are here.

Thank you for all you are doing for me and everything you have done for me. I’m not what people say of me, I’m what you say of me.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen

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What is good?

We all know what is good but what is good to God? I’m not sure that I can answer this question fully at this time. I don’t know enough to feel confidently that I have the full truth. I do have a better idea of what it means than I did a year ago and I want to share.

I think most people would define good simply as health, wealth, and status. All these thing can be good but what happens when you don’t have these things. Maybe these good things have been stripped from you.

Did God take away these blessings from you because He is angry with you? Maybe but maybe not.

It’s simplistic to think that having health, wealth, and status is the only ways that God can bless you. I know that God has our ultimate good in mind for those that love Him. He has the long term in mind not just the short term in mind.

There are lessons that we can only learn by going through life. Life is messy. There aren’t always easy answers. What makes God’s definition of good so different from us is how personally He views goodness. For God everyone’s good life looks different. I think we understand this on one hand but not on the other. We don’t apply this as fully as God does. He has crafted a life for each of us and it may not be as different from the one we are living now as we might hope.

“These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” -1 Peter 1:7 (NIV)

Good to God is you being healed from past hurts.

Good to God is you being able to be all He intended you to be. Whether others understand it or not.

Good to God is you having the ability to hear His voice.

Great to God is you loving Him no matter what situations you find yourself in.

“And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.”-Romans 8:11

God cares more for your spiritual well being than your earthly comfort. He cares that you believe and trust Him. That you are able to hold onto His peace.I wonder if sometimes when I am praying for peace if God isn’t just waiting for me to accept what He has already given me. If I could just accept that my life will never be perfect. If I could stop walking into a room and only seeing what’s wrong with it. Yes, see the problems but also have enough hope that they could be solved one day.

If I could hold onto my faith that God is in control. Then I wouldn’t worry so much. As much as we want to believe that we are in control, we aren’t. So much of our lives depend on things outside of us.

And if I could love people half as much as He loves me than I know I could make a real difference.

God cares about your decisions because He cares about the internal process. He cares about how you treat others because He cares about how you see yourself and others. It’s so much more about the internal than the external.

I hope that this will help us to all keep our heads up during this difficult time. Remember that God is with you and for you.

Autumn

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I’ve found music to be a big help lately. Some songs feel like they say something that you’ve been feeling for a long time but just couldn’t put the into words. Thank you for this song.

2020, encouragement, Music, my own crazy, Uncategorized

Hayley Williams, Thank You

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Troubled Times

I don’t feel that I have any more advice about dealing with COVID-19. In fact I’ve hear too much about it. One day this will only be a memory. A page in history. Make sure that you can live with your actions.

While I don’t have advice I do have hope.

If God could create the whole word including the beauty that is light, then He must be a God that pays attention to details. I for one have noticed how the light comes into my home since I’ve spent more time in it. The way it changes everything.

He knew that all this would happen.

Christ has overcome this world! In Christ we have victory! No need to worry and fret! That doesn’t mean that there won’t be problems. No sometimes it means that we will go through more problems.

When we are Christians we get to go through those times with Christ through the Holy Spirit. We have help, a comforter better than anything the world can offer. Sometimes I just smile thinking about it. I have peace not because of what is going on around me but because of what I have inside me.

These are the times that the simplest thing can make a difference. A phone call or text to a friend that are on their own means more. Sharing food and supplies, running errands for those who can’t, and being kind. There are many ways to help.

Praying for one another, and remaining focused on God will help us all get through this time.

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True Trust

I thought that I was trusting God with my life. I thought that I was realing on Him for everything. I think the truth was that I knew that I should be trusting God but I didn’t understand. Understanding how to actually trust God and relying on Him is a whole different ball game.

I’m an overthinker. I can talk myself into and out of something within the same day. I feel like I’m so used to stress that if it’s not there I start piling it on. Without stress my life feels wrong somehow.

The stress that I feel and the stress that I self impose is slowly killing me. I think this maybe is a part of why I feel so sick. Maybe it won’t heal me but I feel like it could be a part of my recovery.

The Lord has been showing me lately where I have tried with the right motives to make what I believed to be His will happen. I was trying to pull off God’s will with my own power. Which sounds ridiculous now that I’ve written it. That’s where I’m at.

I want to be a woman who is calm. Who is bright. Who is caring. Who relies on God everyday and in everyway. I’m just not there yet.

In Christian culture I see a lot of messages that seem to say that if you come to God, to Jesus, that you’re life will be worth it. They seem to imply that life will become great and wonderful. I’m not saying that this can’t be the case, I’m just coming to understand it in a different way.

There isn’t enough teaching in the Body of Christ about what happens after converstion. What happens when you feel stuck because you are growing in the Lord but nothing in your life has changed. What happens when the situations that you thought God would free you from are still your reality after years of following the Lord?

This is where I find myself. I’m relearning the basics of God. I’m relining up with God. I read “It’s Not Supposed to be This Way” by Lysa TerKerust this year. It’s a amazing book. It gave me a way to understand my feelings and approach God with a new vocabulary. A new way to say here is how I feel and this is how I know I should be.

It’s in striving towards that difference that I grow. It’s not always in the big things but sometimes in the little things. God cares greatly about the little things in our lives.

Lately God has been giving me little things that I’ve always wanted. I never thought I would get the chance to have them. When I gave my life to the Lord, I learned to not count on getting those little things. Since what God wants for me is more important than what I want for me.

Sometimes God will give you what you want as a reward. I feel like He is telling me that I’ve done well and there is more to come. He has also shown me that He knows me and He loves me. I know He will be here for me.

God would love to be there for you too. I’m not special. I just accept that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. That through the Holy Spirit I can have a real relationship with God the Father.



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Crazy Canadians

I find myself to be a little melodramatic at times. This post is just for fun. It’s spring time and in Canada after our winters we tend to get a little crazy. Here are some thoughts and feelings that you too may experience if you are coming out of winter.

A grassy green background with "You Celebrate the fact that the grass is green." in brown writing.
It’s not brown, it’s green.
The image says "When you get up and it's not dark outside."
Makes it so much easier to get to work in a good mood.
When your outside in your shorts and winter boots.
You know who you are *wink**wink*
But the Helper(Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor-Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.
This is how I got through this winter.
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Free to be myself…kinda sorta

The Lord gave me a word for this year. FREEDOM! Freedom from the past. Freedom to try new things. Freedom to be myself, not that I’m sure what that means or maybe I’m just too scared to try. I’m a people pleaser with a perfectionist streak. I’d rather just keep doing what ‘works’.

Now I feel like I should spread my wings and fly. That’s cheesy but that’s how I feel. It just feels wrong because I don’t deserve to have these wings. Nothing that I do feels good enough. I feel overwhelmed and underqualified.

That’s where God can shine the brightest through me. Through my weakness people can see His strength. Since they know me and know that it’s so outside of my little box that there must be something going on. It can’t just be her, she’s not that good. That’s what I want! The crazy unbelief in me that lead’s to belief in God!

Writing has always been an outlet for me. I’ve always had problems expressing myself. On paper I feel like me or in this case on a computer screen. I hope to be able to help and reach more people this year. Both in real life and online. This means that I have some things to sort out. More than likely this year I’ll come across things about myself to change that right now feel like mountains.

At the same time, I’m made for this life.

I’m exited to see what this year will bring.

I was working on this post a couple of months ago. I like to re-read some of my writing from time to time. It reminds me how far I’ve come. It’s strange how right I was that I would have mountains to climb this year. I have some darkness in me.

And I have some light in me.

My overwhelmed and underqualified feelings got the best of me. I feel like I had a bit of a breakdown. Thankfully God uses those times of brokenness to rebuild us. To re-teach us what we thought we already knew.

I’m flying a lot closer to home than I ever thought I would be. It still feels right. It still feels like it’s from God.

Today, I’ve gained more freedom from what I thought I had to be. I’m accepting who God made me to be. I’m kinda liking her. In a short-term, small amount of time spent with her kind of a way.

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The Forest

I feel like I can’t see the forest for the trees right now. I need help and I don’t know if it’s physical pain or emotional pain. I can’t handle it on my own. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength. I try and talk myself into joy but it’s just not working anymore.

I try and focus on the good but I’m having a harder and harder time seeing it. I feel like I’m having a break down. My body just doesn’t want to work. I’m having trouble leaving the house. I don’t have the energy to participate in life.

But I have hope that beyond the trees I see there is life. Life that is good. Life that is worth it. I just need enough hope to change the way I think.

I’ve had bouts of depression in the past. Both of my biological parents have mental health problems. I’ve watched them suffer all my life. I thought I would know when I needed help but I waited too long.

I never wanted this to be a part of my story. I never wanted to be sick.

But the Lord has been teaching me so much.

He has been reteaching me about what He wants and expects from me. It’s a lot simpler than I thought. I had overcomplicated my life.

The Butterfly

During a period in my life when I felt like everything was changing I watched a documentary on monarch butterflies. The monarch butterfly winter’s in Mexico like many of my coworkers. In the documentary it showed how the monarch’s live in these mountain forests. While watching this at the time I felt like God was saying, “See if I can take care of the monarchs by creating an environment that is perfect for them then I can do the same for you.”

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!

Luke 12:24

And He has been faithful to me. Life is not what I expected. It’s been much harder than I ever imagined. When I take a deep breath and focus on God I see His handy-work in my life. Life can be more than what we expect if we are open to what God is saying to us.

Now what?

Now I feel like God is telling me to spread my wings. That He needs me to be who He created me to be. Shake off the things of old. I need to do these things to be there for the people who need me in my life.

Self-care is a word that I hate. To me it means selfish excuses. There is something to taking care of yourself so you can take of others. I just don’t know where the line is drawn. I’ve avoided finding that line. I’m a black and white kind of person.

Then I found myself crying in the tub. Nothing that I normally do was providing me with relief from my physical pain. I went in for a pain shot to give me a respite from the pain. It gave me some relief this time but I still couldn’t sleep. I was crying out to God in a way that I never had before. I needed His help. I couldn’t do it anymore. The pain was mind numbing. I asked for forgiveness. I asked God to look after my parents for me.

I’m still alive. I have a purpose. I’m here to help others but right now I need to learn how to help myself. Whatever that actually means for me.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please help me and all that feel broken like I do. Lead us and guide us Lord. Whether we see how sick we are or not. Wake us up. Let us learn to take care of our minds so we can better serve You. Help us find balance Lord.

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Amen

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