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I thought that I was trusting God with my life. I thought that I was realing on Him for everything. I think the truth was that I knew that I should be trusting God but I didn’t understand. Understanding how to actually trust God and relying on Him is a whole different ball game.

I’m an overthinker. I can talk myself into and out of something within the same day. I feel like I’m so used to stress that if it’s not there I start piling it on. Without stress my life feels wrong somehow.

The stress that I feel and the stress that I self impose is slowly killing me. I think this maybe is a part of why I feel so sick. Maybe it won’t heal me but I feel like it could be a part of my recovery.

The Lord has been showing me lately where I have tried with the right motives to make what I believed to be His will happen. I was trying to pull off God’s will with my own power. Which sounds ridiculous now that I’ve written it. That’s where I’m at.

I want to be a woman who is calm. Who is bright. Who is caring. Who relies on God everyday and in everyway. I’m just not there yet.

In Christian culture I see a lot of messages that seem to say that if you come to God, to Jesus, that you’re life will be worth it. They seem to imply that life will become great and wonderful. I’m not saying that this can’t be the case, I’m just coming to understand it in a different way.

There isn’t enough teaching in the Body of Christ about what happens after converstion. What happens when you feel stuck because you are growing in the Lord but nothing in your life has changed. What happens when the situations that you thought God would free you from are still your reality after years of following the Lord?

This is where I find myself. I’m relearning the basics of God. I’m relining up with God. I read “It’s Not Supposed to be This Way” by Lysa TerKerust this year. It’s a amazing book. It gave me a way to understand my feelings and approach God with a new vocabulary. A new way to say here is how I feel and this is how I know I should be.

It’s in striving towards that difference that I grow. It’s not always in the big things but sometimes in the little things. God cares greatly about the little things in our lives.

Lately God has been giving me little things that I’ve always wanted. I never thought I would get the chance to have them. When I gave my life to the Lord, I learned to not count on getting those little things. Since what God wants for me is more important than what I want for me.

Sometimes God will give you what you want as a reward. I feel like He is telling me that I’ve done well and there is more to come. He has also shown me that He knows me and He loves me. I know He will be here for me.

God would love to be there for you too. I’m not special. I just accept that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. That through the Holy Spirit I can have a real relationship with God the Father.

I find myself to be a little melodramatic at times. This post is just for fun. It’s spring time and in Canada after our winters we tend to get a little crazy. Here are some thoughts and feelings that you too may experience if you are coming out of winter.

The Lord gave me a word for this year. FREEDOM! Freedom from the past. Freedom to try new things. Freedom to be myself, not that I’m sure what that means or maybe I’m just too scared to try. I’m a people pleaser with a perfectionist streak. I’d rather just keep doing what ‘works’.

Now I feel like I should spread my wings and fly. That’s cheesy but that’s how I feel. It just feels wrong because I don’t deserve to have these wings. Nothing that I do feels good enough. I feel overwhelmed and underqualified.

That’s where God can shine the brightest through me. Through my weakness people can see His strength. Since they know me and know that it’s so outside of my little box that there must be something going on. It can’t just be her, she’s not that good. That’s what I want! The crazy unbelief in me that lead’s to belief in God!

Writing has always been an outlet for me. I’ve always had problems expressing myself. On paper I feel like me or in this case on a computer screen. I hope to be able to help and reach more people this year. Both in real life and online. This means that I have some things to sort out. More than likely this year I’ll come across things about myself to change that right now feel like mountains.

At the same time, I’m made for this life.

I’m exited to see what this year will bring.

I was working on this post a couple of months ago. I like to re-read some of my writing from time to time. It reminds me how far I’ve come. It’s strange how right I was that I would have mountains to climb this year. I have some darkness in me.

And I have some light in me.

My overwhelmed and underqualified feelings got the best of me. I feel like I had a bit of a breakdown. Thankfully God uses those times of brokenness to rebuild us. To re-teach us what we thought we already knew.

I’m flying a lot closer to home than I ever thought I would be. It still feels right. It still feels like it’s from God.

Today, I’ve gained more freedom from what I thought I had to be. I’m accepting who God made me to be. I’m kinda liking her. In a short-term, small amount of time spent with her kind of a way.

I feel like I can’t see the forest for the trees right now. I need help and I don’t know if it’s physical pain or emotional pain. I can’t handle it on my own. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength. I try and talk myself into joy but it’s just not working anymore.

I try and focus on the good but I’m having a harder and harder time seeing it. I feel like I’m having a break down. My body just doesn’t want to work. I’m having trouble leaving the house. I don’t have the energy to participate in life.

But I have hope that beyond the trees I see there is life. Life that is good. Life that is worth it. I just need enough hope to change the way I think.

I’ve had bouts of depression in the past. Both of my biological parents have mental health problems. I’ve watched them suffer all my life. I thought I would know when I needed help but I waited too long.

I never wanted this to be a part of my story. I never wanted to be sick.

But the Lord has been teaching me so much.

He has been reteaching me about what He wants and expects from me. It’s a lot simpler than I thought. I had overcomplicated my life.

The Butterfly

During a period in my life when I felt like everything was changing I watched a documentary on monarch butterflies. The monarch butterfly winter’s in Mexico like many of my coworkers. In the documentary it showed how the monarch’s live in these mountain forests. While watching this at the time I felt like God was saying, “See if I can take care of the monarchs by creating an environment that is perfect for them then I can do the same for you.”

And He has been faithful to me. Life is not what I expected. It’s been much harder than I ever imagined. When I take a deep breath and focus on God I see His handy-work in my life. Life can be more than what we expect if we are open to what God is saying to us.

Now what?

Now I feel like God is telling me to spread my wings. That He needs me to be who He created me to be. Shake off the things of old. I need to do these things to be there for the people who need me in my life.

Self-care is a word that I hate. To me it means selfish excuses. There is something to taking care of yourself so you can take of others. I just don’t know where the line is drawn. I’ve avoided finding that line. I’m a black and white kind of person.

Then I found myself crying in the tub. Nothing that I normally do was providing me with relief from my physical pain. I went in for a pain shot to give me a respite from the pain. It gave me some relief this time but I still couldn’t sleep. I was crying out to God in a way that I never had before. I needed His help. I couldn’t do it anymore. The pain was mind numbing. I asked for forgiveness. I asked God to look after my parents for me.

I’m still alive. I have a purpose. I’m here to help others but right now I need to learn how to help myself. Whatever that actually means for me.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please help me and all that feel broken like I do. Lead us and guide us Lord. Whether we see how sick we are or not. Wake us up. Let us learn to take care of our minds so we can better serve You. Help us find balance Lord.

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Amen

I am a firm believer that everyone does not have to know everything about me or anyone else for that matter. I’m extremely private and I value my alone time, maybe a little too much. Writing has always been an outlet for me.

But I don’t want to write about the topic I have in mind…

Mainly because I don’t want to be sick any more. Saying that I’m okay and that I’m fine just didn’t work this week. In order to reviece healing from God it takes work. Deep work that can transform my soul.

But first it requires me to be honest.

On Friday of this week my pain level spiked at work. I ended up crying in front of my co-workers. I should have just gone home. I should have had a shot for the pain. I was stubborn and I had plans for that night. I finished my shift and I went out bound and determined to have a good time.

I slept Saturday away and felt better Sunday.

But it stuck me how often I put on a front around people.

Yes, I can smile. I can be thankful and I am able to focus on God and let things go for a while. The pain just keeps coming back. The problems of my life just keep coming back. I want to be grateful. I know how much being grateful can change the way we view life. I want to view life the way God sees life.

Lying to myself about how I personally feel about my health doesn’t help me deal with it. All it does is put a band-aid on it for a while. Yeah, there are days when I would like to feel normal or at least closer to it. Acknowledging that doesn’t make me a bad Christian, it just means that I’m still human.

Putting my mask on, my wall up, and refusing to let people see the vulnerable side of me doesn’t draw them to Christ. Showing them the lows, reveals how much I rely on God. Showing them the darker moments will hopefully help them to celebrate the highs with me. I’m not a teacher or a preacher, nor am I a gifted evangelist. My biggest prayer is that people can see God’s love through my actions. Words in real life often fail me. 

Showing that life is hard does not undermine God’s greatness. It highlights His love, His grace, and His peace.

That leaves me with the problem of dismantling my mask. My lifetime of walls and defenses. To be honest I have no idea where to start. I know that God will be with me every step of the way if I allow Him to be.

 

Over the last year and a half my life has drastically changed because my relatively good health was ripped away from me. I wake up in pain. I go to bed in pain. I take pain meds to help me sleep and function. Some days it’s not enough for me to just be able to function. Some days I would love to be able to fly…or at least get more done on my ever  growing list.

I feel like I let people down because I’m not who I once was. I was reading in a book that you shouldn’t grieve for what you could do before you got sick. I’m grieving this week. It’s harder this fall knowing how I’m going to feel as the weather gets colder. Last winter it was all kind of a surprise.

Even though I’ve found medications and supplements and strategies to help me feel better, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to handle the pain. I’m terrified that I’m going to take things out on those closest to me. Which makes me want to go hide in my bedroom under my heated blanket.  I can be a real bear first thing in the morning. Does that mean that I can hibernate this winter? Why can’t humans hibernate?

I’ve also been struggling this week with trusting God. I know that He works all things for the good of those that love Him but I’m not seeing it. Sorry, Lord that was honest and painful to admit but it’s how I’ve been feeling.

What I have been struggling to trust God in the most doesn’t even have to do with my own health. My best friend and the person that knows me the best in the world is having health problems. I want to take the problems on myself and trade places with him. If I could I would. As much as it sucks to feel sick it’s worse for me to watch someone I love in pain. I’m hoping for good test results but I’m also praying that he can feel the Lord’s presence and that he can understand that God is with him.

That’s what I want to talk about. Not the faith that says that everything will be okay. The faith to believe that God is there with us in our struggle. He feels our pain with us. He is the only one who literally feels our pain.

In my life, in my own experiences, the times when I have felt the most fear is when God then strengths my faith in Him. Through the pain and the struggling with my trust issues I have found a well of faith. Faith that soothes my soul. Faith that reminds me once again-since I seem to need a lot of reminders-of all God has done for me. All He has brought me through.

And this allows me to take a deep breath.

I don’t know the answers to the test results. I don’t know if I will ever wake up one day and feel better. I don’t know what the future holds.

I do know that as long as I focus on the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, that I can act in a godly way. Without Him I can’t because there are parts of me that scream to be mad. To act out.

But God calls us to act in love.

I’m going to fight my fear with my faith in God. I hope that I can act in love. Not because I’m a strong person but because I have a strong God.

Hi, My name is Autumn and I feel like a failure because I can’t seem to go through life without feeling stress.

That statement seems ridculus but for me I’ve felt this way for far too long. I will prewarn you that this post may not have any life giving advice. On this subject right now all I feel is frusturation.

I felt like if I felt stress at all that I was letting God down. I was failing Him by not having enough faith. I would stress about feeling stress. This would only compound my stress level.That feeling of failure would led me to fear. Fear would led me to freeze.

It is a damaging belief in the Church that if you feel doubt or stress you are somehow wrong. It’s not the feelings but what we do about them that determines sinfulness.

Let’s break these chains that led to misplaced shame and guilt about our emotions. They aren’t welcome here no more.