Over the last year and a half my life has drastically changed because my relatively good health was ripped away from me. I wake up in pain. I go to bed in pain. I take pain meds to help me sleep and function. Some days it’s not enough for me to just be able to function. Some days I would love to be able to fly…or at least get more done on my ever growing list.
I feel like I let people down because I’m not who I once was. I was reading in a book that you shouldn’t grieve for what you could do before you got sick. I’m grieving this week. It’s harder this fall knowing how I’m going to feel as the weather gets colder. Last winter it was all kind of a surprise.
Even though I’ve found medications and supplements and strategies to help me feel better, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to handle the pain. I’m terrified that I’m going to take things out on those closest to me. Which makes me want to go hide in my bedroom under my heated blanket. I can be a real bear first thing in the morning. Does that mean that I can hibernate this winter? Why can’t humans hibernate?
I’ve also been struggling this week with trusting God. I know that He works all things for the good of those that love Him but I’m not seeing it. Sorry, Lord that was honest and painful to admit but it’s how I’ve been feeling.
What I have been struggling to trust God in the most doesn’t even have to do with my own health. My best friend and the person that knows me the best in the world is having health problems. I want to take the problems on myself and trade places with him. If I could I would. As much as it sucks to feel sick it’s worse for me to watch someone I love in pain. I’m hoping for good test results but I’m also praying that he can feel the Lord’s presence and that he can understand that God is with him.
That’s what I want to talk about. Not the faith that says that everything will be okay. The faith to believe that God is there with us in our struggle. He feels our pain with us. He is the only one who literally feels our pain.
In my life, in my own experiences, the times when I have felt the most fear is when God then strengths my faith in Him. Through the pain and the struggling with my trust issues I have found a well of faith. Faith that soothes my soul. Faith that reminds me once again-since I seem to need a lot of reminders-of all God has done for me. All He has brought me through.
And this allows me to take a deep breath.
I don’t know the answers to the test results. I don’t know if I will ever wake up one day and feel better. I don’t know what the future holds.
I do know that as long as I focus on the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, that I can act in a godly way. Without Him I can’t because there are parts of me that scream to be mad. To act out.
But God calls us to act in love.
I’m going to fight my fear with my faith in God. I hope that I can act in love. Not because I’m a strong person but because I have a strong God.