I thought that I was trusting God with my life. I thought that I was realing on Him for everything. I think the truth was that I knew that I should be trusting God but I didn’t understand. Understanding how to actually trust God and relying on Him is a whole different ball game.
I’m an overthinker. I can talk myself into and out of something within the same day. I feel like I’m so used to stress that if it’s not there I start piling it on. Without stress my life feels wrong somehow.
The stress that I feel and the stress that I self impose is slowly killing me. I think this maybe is a part of why I feel so sick. Maybe it won’t heal me but I feel like it could be a part of my recovery.
The Lord has been showing me lately where I have tried with the right motives to make what I believed to be His will happen. I was trying to pull off God’s will with my own power. Which sounds ridiculous now that I’ve written it. That’s where I’m at.
I want to be a woman who is calm. Who is bright. Who is caring. Who relies on God everyday and in everyway. I’m just not there yet.
In Christian culture I see a lot of messages that seem to say that if you come to God, to Jesus, that you’re life will be worth it. They seem to imply that life will become great and wonderful. I’m not saying that this can’t be the case, I’m just coming to understand it in a different way.
There isn’t enough teaching in the Body of Christ about what happens after converstion. What happens when you feel stuck because you are growing in the Lord but nothing in your life has changed. What happens when the situations that you thought God would free you from are still your reality after years of following the Lord?
This is where I find myself. I’m relearning the basics of God. I’m relining up with God. I read “It’s Not Supposed to be This Way” by Lysa TerKerust this year. It’s a amazing book. It gave me a way to understand my feelings and approach God with a new vocabulary. A new way to say here is how I feel and this is how I know I should be.
It’s in striving towards that difference that I grow. It’s not always in the big things but sometimes in the little things. God cares greatly about the little things in our lives.
Lately God has been giving me little things that I’ve always wanted. I never thought I would get the chance to have them. When I gave my life to the Lord, I learned to not count on getting those little things. Since what God wants for me is more important than what I want for me.
Sometimes God will give you what you want as a reward. I feel like He is telling me that I’ve done well and there is more to come. He has also shown me that He knows me and He loves me. I know He will be here for me.
God would love to be there for you too. I’m not special. I just accept that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. That through the Holy Spirit I can have a real relationship with God the Father.