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Free to be myself…kinda sorta

The Lord gave me a word for this year. FREEDOM! Freedom from the past. Freedom to try new things. Freedom to be myself, not that I’m sure what that means or maybe I’m just too scared to try. I’m a people pleaser with a perfectionist streak. I’d rather just keep doing what ‘works’.

Now I feel like I should spread my wings and fly. That’s cheesy but that’s how I feel. It just feels wrong because I don’t deserve to have these wings. Nothing that I do feels good enough. I feel overwhelmed and underqualified.

That’s where God can shine the brightest through me. Through my weakness people can see His strength. Since they know me and know that it’s so outside of my little box that there must be something going on. It can’t just be her, she’s not that good. That’s what I want! The crazy unbelief in me that lead’s to belief in God!

Writing has always been an outlet for me. I’ve always had problems expressing myself. On paper I feel like me or in this case on a computer screen. I hope to be able to help and reach more people this year. Both in real life and online. This means that I have some things to sort out. More than likely this year I’ll come across things about myself to change that right now feel like mountains.

At the same time, I’m made for this life.

I’m exited to see what this year will bring.

I was working on this post a couple of months ago. I like to re-read some of my writing from time to time. It reminds me how far I’ve come. It’s strange how right I was that I would have mountains to climb this year. I have some darkness in me.

And I have some light in me.

My overwhelmed and underqualified feelings got the best of me. I feel like I had a bit of a breakdown. Thankfully God uses those times of brokenness to rebuild us. To re-teach us what we thought we already knew.

I’m flying a lot closer to home than I ever thought I would be. It still feels right. It still feels like it’s from God.

Today, I’ve gained more freedom from what I thought I had to be. I’m accepting who God made me to be. I’m kinda liking her. In a short-term, small amount of time spent with her kind of a way.

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