I feel like I can’t see the forest for the trees right now. I need help and I don’t know if it’s physical pain or emotional pain. I can’t handle it on my own. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength. I try and talk myself into joy but it’s just not working anymore.
I try and focus on the good but I’m having a harder and harder time seeing it. I feel like I’m having a break down. My body just doesn’t want to work. I’m having trouble leaving the house. I don’t have the energy to participate in life.
But I have hope that beyond the trees I see there is life. Life that is good. Life that is worth it. I just need enough hope to change the way I think.
I’ve had bouts of depression in the past. Both of my biological parents have mental health problems. I’ve watched them suffer all my life. I thought I would know when I needed help but I waited too long.
I never wanted this to be a part of my story. I never wanted to be sick.
But the Lord has been teaching me so much.
He has been reteaching me about what He wants and expects from me. It’s a lot simpler than I thought. I had overcomplicated my life.
During a period in my life when I felt like everything was changing I watched a documentary on monarch butterflies. The monarch butterfly winter’s in Mexico like many of my coworkers. In the documentary it showed how the monarch’s live in these mountain forests. While watching this at the time I felt like God was saying, “See if I can take care of the monarchs by creating an environment that is perfect for them then I can do the same for you.”
Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!
And He has been faithful to me. Life is not what I expected. It’s been much harder than I ever imagined. When I take a deep breath and focus on God I see His handy-work in my life. Life can be more than what we expect if we are open to what God is saying to us.
Now I feel like God is telling me to spread my wings. That He needs me to be who He created me to be. Shake off the things of old. I need to do these things to be there for the people who need me in my life.
Self-care is a word that I hate. To me it means selfish excuses. There is something to taking care of yourself so you can take of others. I just don’t know where the line is drawn. I’ve avoided finding that line. I’m a black and white kind of person.
Then I found myself crying in the tub. Nothing that I normally do was providing me with relief from my physical pain. I went in for a pain shot to give me a respite from the pain. It gave me some relief this time but I still couldn’t sleep. I was crying out to God in a way that I never had before. I needed His help. I couldn’t do it anymore. The pain was mind numbing. I asked for forgiveness. I asked God to look after my parents for me.
I’m still alive. I have a purpose. I’m here to help others but right now I need to learn how to help myself. Whatever that actually means for me.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please help me and all that feel broken like I do. Lead us and guide us Lord. Whether we see how sick we are or not. Wake us up. Let us learn to take care of our minds so we can better serve You. Help us find balance Lord.
In Jesus Name I Pray,