Category Archives: my own crazy

Confused

I can’t be the only one that feels like I’m a little lost lately? I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I should be studying in the bible. I’m just struggling. Ideas that would make other Christians think that I’m too radical make sense to me. I feel that I’ve over complicated my faith in the past and now I am simplifying things and it seems so much clearer.

I came across this verse and it stuck me, I need to break this down.

Rejoice always; I know that I don’t always approach situations with joy. Most times I don’t feel it. I try to fake it but that only lasts so long.

Pray Continually; I talk to God a lot but I don’t pray much for specific things. I don’t know what God’s will is in most things.

Give thanks; I think I’m better at giving thanks since this whole quarantine started. I still have my days when I’m not thankful and I still have a way to go.

I love when I find verses like this because they remind me what’s important. I feel like this helps me see what I need to work on. There’s also a slew of other things on my mind lately.

Including; How I should act in these times as a Christian.

In my mind there are many things that the church in the book of Acts did that we no longer do. We think that those tenants were for then, not now. When did God change?

We should be breaking bread together. We should be helping those in need. We should be accepting of our place in society. Whether we are rich or poor or more likely somewhere in-between. We are called to be a peculiar people. Right now I think the world needs us more than ever.

James 2:14-17(AMP)


What do my actions say about me?

Often it is easy to poke a finger at what the church does wrong. It’s more difficult to look at ourselves. It’s imperative that we evaluate our own actions and motives behind those actions. Otherwise how do we learn?

In the past year there were times when I felt bitter about where I’m at in life. I’ve wondered how I’m supposed to pray for others healing and see them better when I’m not.

Hope and I have a love/hate relationship. I love the feeling of hope but I hate to be disappointed. Maybe from the outside looking in I look healthy and happy. Inside I feel like a messed up little girl sometimes. I lost hope that my life would ever change. I thought that this was it.

I did get my hope back. I guess that’s one good thing I’ve gained this year. We all have to accept that life doesn’t go the way we want. I think it says more about me when things don’t go my way and I hold onto hope. For me it’s much harder.

Moving forward I’m going to return to some of the habits that I had when I first believed. I want to read my bible more, listen to praise and worship more, and give myself quiet time to just think. It may not be a big change but I think it will help me move forward.

Life is about the Little Moments

I’ve been trying to figure out why I struggled with my faith in 2019. I don’t have a good reason or rather I’ve found that my reason is silly. Sometimes things change in your life because of specific circumstances. Sometimes it’s because of multiple interconnecting issues. Then there are times when we just over complicate the simple.

2019 wasn’t a year when I saw much change in my life. I didn’t move. I didn’t change jobs. About the only thing that I changed was my hair color, lots. Much of what caused me to reexamine my faith this year was the lack of change. There were times when I prepared for big changes only to find the same cycles repeating themselves. I felt stuck.

  1. I couldn’t afford a vacation. In fact I got sick in the middle of our short Canadian summer.
  2. I was able to see specialist and rule out MS but I still don’t know why I have migraines. Don’t know why I have widespread pain. I’m on some new medication that is helping which is good.
  3. I did see some good changes at my job. I’m incredibly grateful for the less stressful environment that I work in.

I guess my expectations stopped me from seeing the good in my life again.

When I lost sight of God in the little moments of life I became depressed. I thought that life was about bigger and better things than those little moments. I thought it was about job promotions and big moves. The truth is that we don’t get to those big moments without the little ones.

Being faithful to God starts with daily obedience. It starts with listening to what you feel God wants you to do. Then stepping out in faith and doing it. It can seem scary but as we continue to step out for the little things we will find those big moments aren’t quite the mountains that we originally thought they were.

“But Samuel replied:

“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
    as much as in obeying the Lord?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
    and to heed is better than the fat of rams.”-1 SAMUEL 15:22(NIV)

For a long time I thought that if I was to sacrifice more God would do more through me. The truth I am finding is that He wants me to listen more.

This next year I feel will have changes but they are more internal changes. Smaller changes that may cause others to look at me like I’m crazy. What crazy is not being willing to change to become what God wants you to be?

One little moment at a time.

Kindness and Giving

I believe that as Christians we should be as kind to others as possible. There is an argument that we are supposed to be kind only to like-minded Christians. I would rather be inclusive.

I believe that we are supposed to share among the body. If you’re Brother or Sister in Christ lacks a basic necessity then it is the body’s job to supply that need.

We are supposed to look like a family of believers.

Just because you disagree with your Siblings on issues of faith doesn’t nullify your duty to them. I am sick and tired of the fighting. We will debate a comma for hours. Then we leave someone without help in their time of need because we think they are over exaggerating. When this is the reaction from the congregation, no wonder no one speaks up for help.

We are supposed to give sacrificially. That means that sometimes it’s gonna hurt. I would rather hurt now, than face my LORD in heaven and tell him why I missed out on the gift of blessing someone in need.

I’m sorry if I come off so angry but I’m heartbroken. I didn’t grow up in church. When I came to Christ all I had was my Mom and Dad and my bible. I don’t understand the selfishness that I see in the church.

We have someone who is retired in our church. He is on a fixed income and he doesn’t have enough to buy his medication and food. People in my church don’t want to help him because he smokes.

The people in my church would rather spend their retirement on cars, vacations, and homes, then on their heavenly retirement.

I wonder if we get so focused on Christ coming back that we miss all that God has for us in this life. We commit ourselves to Christ and then we wait. Then we die.

If all it means to have a relationship with God is to commit ourselves and then wait I feel like I missed something. I thought that being a Christian was life changing. I thought that it was supposed to be evident to those around us.

At least I hope that in my life, people see that I’m different.

Here I go…Again

I have walking pneumonia…again. About three years ago I had walking pneumonia for the first time. It became a catalyst for the health problems that I have today. After having walking pneumonia the first time I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

You know when you go through something in life and it is so bad that after you go through it you continually compare things to it. Like whatever you are dealing with at least you aren’t going through blank again. For me that blank would be walking pneumonia.

Yet here I am…again.

I’ve decided to trust God even though I don’t understand why I have to be so sick again. I may never know why and that’s okay. I don’t have to know the answers.

…

It’s been a few weeks since I wrote this….I am feeling better. I’m back to work. I still tire easy and my chest feels heavy at the end of the day. The good news is since this is my second time around I know when to take it easy. For the most part anyway…

I was watching Elevation Church and this quote stuck out to me. I’ll let you think about it. I know I still am.

I try and do as much as I can for the Lord or at least I thought I did. I have tried but have I listened? Have I trusted? Have I rested in the presence of the Holy Spirit?

Have I been straining and stressing instead of trusting?

Sometimes we have to tear down our faith to the foundation. Take a good long look at it. God will test your foundation, so you can see the cracks. Then together with Him you can rebuild.

I think you have two choices when you find your foundation cracked.You can either turn to God and become even closer or turn away. Be aware that this choice exists. Make your choice wisely.

Dreams

I dreamed of becoming a zoologist when I was growing up. I’ve always loved animals, still do.I thought there could be nothing better than studying them all day or working in a zoo. I also loved animals because they couldn’t hurt me like people could. I had a strong dislike for people.

When I became a Christian my goals and dreams changed. I no longer felt that God wanted me to work in a zoo. I prayed and felt like God didn’t want me to go to bible college either. Not that either of these options can’t be right for someone else they just weren’t right for me. I was confused. I had been taught that I had to go to college or university.

Many of us frame what we feel God wants us to do through our own perspective. When I felt the Lord wanted me to write, I assumed that it would mean that I would write books. I still might write a book or several one day.

But I had framed what God wanted for me in a narrow way. It didn’t allow for all God could want for me. It was me trying to understand God’s will with my head. Trying to frame what God wanted for me with worldly standards of success.

“Trust in and rely confidently on the Lord with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way]. “-Proverbs 3:5-6

God has given me a job and a life that suit me in ways that nothing else could have. No, everything isn’t perfect but it is good.

I’m able to love and have compassion for people when I’m at work. I’ve been able to make long lasting friendships. Something I wouldn’t be able to do if I was sitting in a classroom for eight years to get my masters. Or up in some tree house in the amazon. Not that I don’t think that it would be cool but I’ve come through things and began to understand myself in new ways.

Your human fleshly heart can make you long for things that aren’t right for you. It can make you want to simply go along with what everyone else is doing. It’s no wonder that the Lord tells us that He is our Shepard.

I want to be clear that we shouldn’t go chasing after every whim that runs through our head. I believe that our selfish desires that we blindly chase can lead to our own destruction. God gave us freewill.

And He wants us to choose Him.

For a long time I thought I couldn’t dream any more. That everything I thought about had to be firmly grounded in reality. That if I were to dream for something else that it was sinful. Having dreams, having things in your life that you would like to see happen isn’t sinful. Placing your dreams and ambitions above what God wants for you is sinful. We should strive to be in line with God.

In this life I now think some daydreaming is important. This allows you to see parts of your heart that your rational brain keeps repressed. It can show you how you really feel about things. It can also produce hope.

When I felt that everything had to be firmly grounded in reality I felt heavy. I lost my hope because I could no longer see how things could change for the better.

What I have thought for so long was that I had to do certain things to make God’s will happen. I was going to write a book and the pressure and stress ate away at me.When things didn’t happen like I thought they would I in part blamed myself. I had given up my own dreams for what I thought was God’s will and I had come up empty handed.

I never understood that life in many ways is more about the journey. It’s about having a relationship with God. It’s about taking steps in faith. It’s about giving all your dreams to God and allowing Him to decide what’s right for you.

My conclusion is that dreams have a place in our life. We just have to keep them in check.

A Thankful Update

I wanted to let those that cared on here that I seem to be doing better lately. My life hasn’t drastically changed but I’m trying to look at things differently.

I seem to be better at letting things go. The past is the past. It’s made me who I am which is good and bad. I’ve got lots of work to do if I want to become who God ultimately wants me to be.

As far as things with my Dad…He’s an adult. If he chooses to not see a doctor, then I can’t make him. I still keep him in prayer.

A heart with thank you stands against a backdrop of stars.

Speaking of prayer,thanks to all who have prayed for me. It meant a lot to me. It was some light in a dark time. I don’t think all my troubles are behind me. I do believe that there is more good ahead of me than behind me.

I’m learning to accept life. Whatever happens I trust that God is in control. He will work all things for the good of those who love Him. Yes, I would prefer to have all the answers. I would prefer to have complete control over all situations and circumnutates in life.

That’s not what I am called to do and be. I am called like the rest of you to love. To love God with all my being. To love others. That’s what I’m going to focus on.