Dear Heavenly Father,
I’m sorry to have ever doubted your Will for my life.
I’m sorry that I have a hard time getting out of bed.
I’m sorry that I’m not more loving.
I’m sorry that I let others steal my joy.
I’m sorry that sometimes I misuse the gifts you have given me.
I’m sorry that at times I am distracted by the World.
I wish that I didn’t get overwhelmed so easily.
I wish that I didn’t have such a hard time changing myself.
I wish I wasn’t so suborn and would ask for help when I need it.
Lord, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Help me to accomplish those things you desire of me.
Help me find the words swimming around in my head.
Help me become who You want me to be.
In Jesus name I pray,
It’s like I stalled an old beat up car at a fork in the road of my life. According to my plan I’m way off track. According to the expectations of some of my family I’m on some other planet.
But I’m in love with the view. I like this fork in the road. The wide open spaces, all the possibilities. I’m leaning on the car and just looking. The path forward is bright but I keep looking back over my shoulder. To the storms in my life. I want to be grateful to God for where I am but I need to be honest about how I feel before I can get to a place of true gratefulness.
Telling myself that everything is alright when it’s not doesn’t work. Yes, I can focus on the good. I can make lists of things I’m grateful for because my life is good. This helps for a while…
Sometimes we have to look at our lives and be honest. Those times were hard, they were depressing times. Once we admit to how much we were hurt, we can heal.
At least when I’m ready to admit to my deepest hurt then I can get healing from the Holy Spirit. I can see God in all the difficult times in my life. Seeing God’s goodness in my past helps me to see God’s work in the present.
Only when I can truly put my past behind me can I move forward. Until I’m ready, I’m going to enjoy the view. I worry that I’ve spent too much time here already. Have I missed it? Then I feel God filling me with peace. It’s just time to get real about my life.
When I was seventeen I had a simple goal for my life. I wanted to be a better person. I’m wondering how I’m actually doing? Am I becoming more kind? Or bitter and jaded? Is my heart cold? Or am I just unthawing certain parts of it? Is that why it hurts so much?
Maybe it’s just that big changes in my myself have often been spired on by outward influences. New jobs, new houses, new circumstates in general. Lately I feel like the change has been more internal. I’m not sure how to apply these changes in my life.
It’s changed the way I see the past. I see how God has used the bad to create the good in my life. I also see the way it’s scared me. Lord, I want healing in these areas so I can better serve you. I want to move along. Even if nothing changes in my life.
I lost patience with the system at work this weekend. Normaly I can refocus myself but I didn’t even try this weekend. I feel like God has something special for me. I act like just another traveler that got a little lost on the way. The past still hautes me. The future is either something that I feel hopeful about or I am terrified. Nothing seems to be working. I want to step out with God but when it falls apart I’m not sure if it’s me, God, or the Devil that causes the fall. I feel like a mess. I’m just tried of waiting.
So here I am writing on a computer screen because I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in doubt. Drowning in debt. Drowning in emotions that I can’t seem to track down. And I’m crying because I need the release.
In April of this year I was in an accident that could have killed me. I ended up getting a concussion, which caused me to miss a month of work.(I survived getting hit in the head with glass that could have killed me) I don’t feel great about my life because it feels like nothing changed. I went back to work and the same problems. At home things are good but I feel like God could do more through my family if we could just open up to Him more.
I just want to share God’s love when I am on this earth. After the accident I felt God stronger in my life and I know He’s here. I just want to know how to serve Him.
I feel stuck because I’ve grown this year and it feels like everything stood still.
I guess the question is how do I handle this shift within myself. Taking out my frustration on others is not something I want to do. I’m going to focus on the last instructions that I got from God. I’m going to write and work hard at my day job and I’m going to be grateful for my life.
Marriage and healing are on my brain today. Marriage is different now than it was say for my grandparents. In their day marriage was final. It meant till death do you part. Now that’s just not true. Marriage is seen as a risk, a 50/50 chance. I don’t know if I could take the plunge with that in mind.
I also don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone without being married. It goes against God’s word for starters. And I’ve seen the damage it does to people. That being said I don’t believe that you need to have a marriage license to be married in God’s eyes. You can be bond to someone in God’s eyes without the legal paperwork.
I went to my friend’s wedding this summer. They went down a path that I’ve seen a lot with couples in my generation. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, then they moved in together, got engraded, and they had many break ups in that time. They were together on and off for five years before they got married.
And I wonder if they are able to forgive each other. Really, truly let go of the past and move on. They need healing in their relationship because we humans always seem to leave a trail of destruction in our wake.
I think that is part of what is missing in marriages today; Healing and forgiveness.
Today, is not my best day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, a perfect day for a walk and I am miserable. I feel awful about feeling awful. I feel guilty to admit that I am a Christian and I don’t like my life or me. I have been committed to God for seven years and today all I want to do is cry.
As Christian we are quick to admit to the battles that we have won in life. To those precious memories of the times when a sudden realization from God has set us free. Don’t get me wrong I’m holding on to those memories today. In fact, they are in a death grip now. God gives us experiences in life because He knows we will need them. He works all things for the good of those that love Him.
I don’t want to get all mushy about those times of my life in this post. Today its about the painful. It’s about not really wanting to see the good in everyday life because you just want to be mad. Like punch a kitten, kick a puppy kind of upset. Yup, I’m going full emo with the purpose of working through these things.
See, normally I run from these emotions and thoughts. Then I grab a large shovel and bury it. Think twelve feet under. Since a Christian is supposed to be happy, then I will convince myself that I am happy. I don’t need the real joy that comes from truly healing my brokenness. Nah, just grab a bigger shovel. Don’t figure out what is the root cause of my emotional outburst. No that might mean crying. Can’t have a crying Christian woman, now can we?
But can’t we?
Isn’t one of the most beautiful things about having a relationship with God the ability to be vulnerable. Or an even scarier word for me; Open.
(And with that one word the ice creeps into my veins. The sun is suddenly dark. The werewolves can be heard howling somewhere off in the distance.)
Maybe, I think we err, might have found a piece of one of my real problems. I want to be loved for who I am, but I don’t want anyone to find out who I really am. Then they might -gasp-find out that I’m not perfect. Though I realize that this is impart unrealistic because a) I have been told on occasion that I’m wrong so therefore I know I can’t be perfect and b) God knows that I am imperfect but loves me anyway and hey there is that part about Him sending His son to die for me. So, I can in fact talk myself out of the fear of being open.
I don’t want to be this way. Today I asked God for help. He then proceeds to reveal one of my faults to me. So, I technically got the help I asked for, I just didn’t like the very Dad-like answer I got.
Here I am alone, desperate to talk my thought process out to someone I am close too. Instead I’m typing alone in my bedroom. Talk about self-destructive cycles. Mind you I do feel better. I don’t have ready-made answers to my problems yet, but I do feel closer to God. Which is really the purpose of this seven year walk that I’ve been on with Him.
I think I’m going to open the window to let some sunshine in. Maybe grab something to eat. Cry with a heartbreaking movie this afternoon. Maybe I may even be brave enough to edit this and post it. That maybe a step in the openness direction. I can hide behind my keyboard for a while longer.
(Awkwardly half-waves to audience)