Father, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit, Uncategorized

After the Accident

I lost patience with the system at work this weekend. Normaly I can refocus myself but I didn’t even try this weekend. I feel like God has something special for me. I act like just another traveler that got a little lost on the way. The past still hautes me. The future is either something that I feel hopeful about or I am terrified. Nothing seems to be working. I want to step out with God but when it falls apart I’m not sure if it’s me, God, or the Devil that causes the fall. I feel like a mess. I’m just tried of waiting.

So here I am writing on a computer screen because I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in doubt. Drowning in debt. Drowning in emotions that I can’t seem to track down. And I’m crying because I need the release.

In April of this year I was in an accident that could have killed me. I ended up getting a concussion, which caused me to miss a month of work.(I survived getting hit in the head with glass that could have killed me) I don’t feel great about my life because it feels like nothing changed. I went back to work and the same problems. At home things are good but I feel like God could do more through my family if we could just open up to Him more.

I just want to share God’s love when I am on this earth. After the accident I felt God stronger in my life and I know He’s here. I just want to know how to serve Him.

I feel stuck because I’ve grown this year and it feels like everything stood still.

I guess the question is how do I handle this shift within myself. Taking out my frustration on others is not something I want to do. I’m going to focus on the last instructions that I got from God. I’m going to write and work hard at my day job and I’m going to be grateful for my life.

Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the LORD's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains.

 

Standard
forgivness, jesus, love, my own crazy, the holy spirit

Marriage

Marriage and healing are on my brain today. Marriage is different now than it was say for my grandparents. In their day marriage was final. It meant till death do you part. Now that’s just not true. Marriage is seen as a risk, a 50/50 chance. I don’t know if I could take the plunge with that in mind.

I also don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone without being married. It goes against God’s word for starters. And I’ve seen the damage it does to people. That being said I don’t believe that you need to have a marriage license to be married in God’s eyes. You can be bond to someone in God’s eyes without the legal paperwork.

I went to my friend’s wedding this summer. They went down a path that I’ve seen a lot with couples in my generation. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, then they moved in together, got engraded, and they had many break ups in that time. They were together on and off for five years before they got married.

And I wonder if they are able to forgive each other. Really, truly let go of the past and move on. They need healing in their relationship because we humans always seem to leave a trail of destruction in our wake.

I think that is part of what is missing in marriages today; Healing and forgiveness.

 

Standard
my own crazy, Uncategorized

Bad day

Today, is not my best day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, a perfect day for a walk and I am miserable. I feel awful about feeling awful. I feel guilty to admit that I am a Christian and I don’t like my life or me. I have been committed to God for seven years and today all I want to do is cry.
As Christian we are quick to admit to the battles that we have won in life. To those precious memories of the times when a sudden realization from God has set us free. Don’t get me wrong I’m holding on to those memories today. In fact, they are in a death grip now. God gives us experiences in life because He knows we will need them. He works all things for the good of those that love Him.
I don’t want to get all mushy about those times of my life in this post. Today its about the painful. It’s about not really wanting to see the good in everyday life because you just want to be mad. Like punch a kitten, kick a puppy kind of upset. Yup, I’m going full emo with the purpose of working through these things.
See, normally I run from these emotions and thoughts. Then I grab a large shovel and bury it. Think twelve feet under. Since a Christian is supposed to be happy, then I will convince myself that I am happy. I don’t need the real joy that comes from truly healing my brokenness. Nah, just grab a bigger shovel. Don’t figure out what is the root cause of my emotional outburst. No that might mean crying. Can’t have a crying Christian woman, now can we?
But can’t we?
Isn’t one of the most beautiful things about having a relationship with God the ability to be vulnerable. Or an even scarier word for me; Open.
(And with that one word the ice creeps into my veins. The sun is suddenly dark. The werewolves can be heard howling somewhere off in the distance.)
Maybe, I think we err, might have found a piece of one of my real problems. I want to be loved for who I am, but I don’t want anyone to find out who I really am. Then they might -gasp-find out that I’m not perfect. Though I realize that this is impart unrealistic because a) I have been told on occasion that I’m wrong so therefore I know I can’t be perfect and b) God knows that I am imperfect but loves me anyway and hey there is that part about Him sending His son to die for me. So, I can in fact talk myself out of the fear of being open.
I don’t want to be this way. Today I asked God for help. He then proceeds to reveal one of my faults to me. So, I technically got the help I asked for, I just didn’t like the very Dad-like answer I got.
Here I am alone, desperate to talk my thought process out to someone I am close too. Instead I’m typing alone in my bedroom. Talk about self-destructive cycles. Mind you I do feel better. I don’t have ready-made answers to my problems yet, but I do feel closer to God. Which is really the purpose of this seven year walk that I’ve been on with Him.
I think I’m going to open the window to let some sunshine in. Maybe grab something to eat. Cry with a heartbreaking movie this afternoon. Maybe I may even be brave enough to edit this and post it. That maybe a step in the openness direction. I can hide behind my keyboard for a while longer.
(Awkwardly half-waves to audience)

Autumn

Standard