Living with Hope and Pain

I want those that love me to understand what it feels like to live with pain.

And then there are times when I don’t want to talk about it. Those are the days when I am trying my best to ignore how my body is feeling. As kind as people are trying to be when they ask me how I feel…Sometimes I don’t want to be honest.

I have to focus on the good that God has done in my life because physically…

I’m in my twenties and my body feels like it’s eighty-seven. Nothing works the way it should. I feel the possibilities that God has for my life narrow and dreams disappear.

The pain  I’m in is not going to disappear. I may not get better. This could be it.

And on these days I lean on my Heavenly Father for love and support. I’m learning to trust that the plans He has for me are better than what I planned. That what I’m going through is not in vain.

It’s just more of a struggle than I would like to admit.

trust in the lord



I’m tired of Christians that are only showing the good. Don’t get me wrong God is amazing and has done so much in my life. There is a lot of good in my life but I’ve struggled. Twenty-seventeen was one of the hardest years of my life.

I felt like I had to set an example and be a ‘good Christian’. I didn’t really talk about what I was going through with anyone. I’ve had health problems, work problems, and we all have some sort of family problems. It all seemed to just build and build. I’ve dealt with depression before and felt that with God I would never feel that way again.

The truth is that we all need to work to stay in the light. To stay positive and to stay healthy. I think that having periods in your life where you feel depressed is natural. I’m trying to let myself feel sadness. Then I turn myself over to God. I talk to Him about how I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, and I ask for help. Then I listen. 

God talks to me in a way that is personal. It’s hard to explain because how He talks to me is so tailored to me. Last year I had a vison of me walking through the desert. My hope then was that I would be able to return to New Mexico, the place where I feel most at home in this world. I have come to except that one meaning of the vison was that I was walking around in the desert in my life. I felt lost this year for the first time since choosing to follow Christ.

But I am blessed because God has led me out of the desert in my mind. My Heavenly Father loves me enough to be with me in those hard times. He doesn’t intend for me to stay there for the rest of my life but to learn from it. These are the times I must go through to become who He wants me to be.

And that, that makes it worth it.




Joshua 1:9

There are certain scriptures that we all as believers know. Every believer knows John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Right, right, we all know this. Sometimes I wonder if we don’t hold up and quote these scriptures without understanding the significance.

We want the blessings but we don’t want to handle the hard parts of life. We want the highs but not the lows. God doesn’t promise a perfect, easy life. God promises us to be with us if we remain in Him.

In Joshua I thought it was great when God told him to be strong and courageous. It became an even greater verse to me when I realized what Joshua was up against. He was to lead the people of Israel into the promised land. After forty years of wandering around in the desert they were finally going to see the fulfillment of what God had told Abraham.

“Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them—to the Israelites.  I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses.  Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates—all the Hittite country—to the Mediterranean Sea in the west.  No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.
“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.  Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I only took the be strong and courageous part of the verse. God only asks Joshua to be these things because He will be there for him. I’ve found that the times when I walk closest with the Lord is when I am striving after His will. When I put God first and make decisions based on what I believe the Bible says. I’ve been wrong a lot and made a lot of mistakes. It’s not the outcome but the fact that I tired that matters to God. People make judgments based on shallow things but God considers a person’s heart. 

be strong

Focus on God and what He asks of you. God wants us to fulfill His will for us. He loves us and knows what is best for us. Like a good father he will guide us if we are willing to wait on Him. We are called to be a peculiar people. We aren’t going to fit in. God wants us to lay down our burdens and let Him in to help us.  Then you too can be strong and courageous.







Waiting and Waiting and Waiting some more

I have for a long time used what I can do as my valve. What can I accomplish in a day?

Now, I have a head injury and I’m having problems just functioning. Staring at this computer screen is making my headache/migraine worse.

But the way you wait shows a lot about your relationship with God. It shows your growth as a Christian. I can’t lie I don’t like the way my mind is right now. I don’t like the fear or doubts that I’m feeling this morning. So, I’ve decided to trust God that everything will work out for my good. I will keep returning to my mind the good in my life. That I will get back to it.

In the meantime I’m going to take this time out, when I’m useless and learn more about God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I think I’m going to sit down with Dr. Stanley’s book Confronting Casual Christianity.

I pray that all those that are waiting like me don’t lose hope. Keep coming back to the cross. Keep praying. Remember God is right there waiting with you.



I survived getting hit in the head with glass that could have killed me

On April 6th, 2018 I was injured at work. I remember the impact of the glass and then I remember the sound of the glass shattering. It happened so fast. Accidents happen like that I guess. They are unexpected and they can make you rethink life. I went home that day and was amazed that I walked away with only minor cuts. Getting hit in the head with glass from a window was not part of any plan that I had.

I felt God with me as soon as it happened. His presence was so strong that I didn’t even have to pray. I knew He was there. After the shock wore off, I was able to joke and laugh about what happen. I went home from work early and looked forward to getting back to work the next day; My plan was to hug everyone. My plan didn’t go as planned.

I woke up with a nasty headache. This didn’t surprise me. Given my history of migraines and what I had just gone through. I went into work and found myself to be slow but I felt like I could manage. Then I became nauseas and my headache felt different from my normal migraines. By the time I got in to see a doctor that day I had lost my sense of balance. I was told that I had a concussion. Two days of bedrest. Four days later I still had not improved enough to return to work. I could barely take care of my basic needs. I slept on our hide-a-bed couch for a good chunk of the week.

I’m just now getting my self built back up to handle life. I want even more to serve God, since He clearly still has a plan for me. Before the accident I was struggling with depression. Now life feels more like the gift I knew it to be.

My first post on this blog was the post about I vison I had. In it I was in the desert, me as I was at that time. You see I thought that 2017 was a rough year in my life. I thought that God was going to reward me for going through it by allowing me to return to my favorite place on earth: The American Southwest. Now, I feel like it was a warning. That I was in a spiritual desert. That I am being prepared for something that God has for me.

This accident has weirdly given me hope. Given me purpose. I want to live my best life for Christ so that others may know and have the relationship with God that I do.

Father, jesus, love, Uncategorized

He Gave up His Son

Abraham, a man willing to give up everything for God. Even his son, Isaac, whom the Lord promised would provide descendants that would be as numerous as grains of sand. I’m not going to pretend to understand the level of Abraham’s faith.

“Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied. Then God said,”Take your son, your only son, whom you love-Isaac-and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” -GENESIS 22:1-2

Would you be willing to offer your child to God in the same way? With faith that He would still provide for you? That God would raise him back from the dead to fulfill what He promised?

There are things that God has shown me. Life events that I know will happen but right now some mornings it’s enough that I get out of bed. I don’t know how they will come about but I will offer God my hopes, my dreams, and the silent cries of my heart.

Because I have faith that He is faithful, when we offer all of us. Even the parts we want to hide, because His light can banish all darkness.

“The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” -GENESIS 22:15-18

God rewarded Abraham for his faith. He saved Isaac by proving a sacrifice. Through Abraham’s line came Jesus.  God asked a great man of faith if he would be willing to make the same sacrifice that He was willing to make. Jesus, the son that God allowed to be killed on the cross for us.

Lord, Heavenly Father, help me to give all to You. So that through me others can come to know you. Be my strength because I am weak. When I smile let it be filled with your love for people. Let my words ring with Truth because of all you have done for me Lord. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 



my own crazy, Uncategorized

Bad day

Today, is not my best day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, a perfect day for a walk and I am miserable. I feel awful about feeling awful. I feel guilty to admit that I am a Christian and I don’t like my life or me. I have been committed to God for seven years and today all I want to do is cry.
As Christian we are quick to admit to the battles that we have won in life. To those precious memories of the times when a sudden realization from God has set us free. Don’t get me wrong I’m holding on to those memories today. In fact, they are in a death grip now. God gives us experiences in life because He knows we will need them. He works all things for the good of those that love Him.
I don’t want to get all mushy about those times of my life in this post. Today its about the painful. It’s about not really wanting to see the good in everyday life because you just want to be mad. Like punch a kitten, kick a puppy kind of upset. Yup, I’m going full emo with the purpose of working through these things.
See, normally I run from these emotions and thoughts. Then I grab a large shovel and bury it. Think twelve feet under. Since a Christian is supposed to be happy, then I will convince myself that I am happy. I don’t need the real joy that comes from truly healing my brokenness. Nah, just grab a bigger shovel. Don’t figure out what is the root cause of my emotional outburst. No that might mean crying. Can’t have a crying Christian woman, now can we?
But can’t we?
Isn’t one of the most beautiful things about having a relationship with God the ability to be vulnerable. Or an even scarier word for me; Open.
(And with that one word the ice creeps into my veins. The sun is suddenly dark. The werewolves can be heard howling somewhere off in the distance.)
Maybe, I think we err, might have found a piece of one of my real problems. I want to be loved for who I am, but I don’t want anyone to find out who I really am. Then they might -gasp-find out that I’m not perfect. Though I realize that this is impart unrealistic because a) I have been told on occasion that I’m wrong so therefore I know I can’t be perfect and b) God knows that I am imperfect but loves me anyway and hey there is that part about Him sending His son to die for me. So, I can in fact talk myself out of the fear of being open.
I don’t want to be this way. Today I asked God for help. He then proceeds to reveal one of my faults to me. So, I technically got the help I asked for, I just didn’t like the very Dad-like answer I got.
Here I am alone, desperate to talk my thought process out to someone I am close too. Instead I’m typing alone in my bedroom. Talk about self-destructive cycles. Mind you I do feel better. I don’t have ready-made answers to my problems yet, but I do feel closer to God. Which is really the purpose of this seven year walk that I’ve been on with Him.
I think I’m going to open the window to let some sunshine in. Maybe grab something to eat. Cry with a heartbreaking movie this afternoon. Maybe I may even be brave enough to edit this and post it. That maybe a step in the openness direction. I can hide behind my keyboard for a while longer.
(Awkwardly half-waves to audience)