True Trust

I thought that I was trusting God with my life. I thought that I was realing on Him for everything. I think the truth was that I knew that I should be trusting God but I didn’t understand. Understanding how to actually trust God and relying on Him is a whole different ball game.

I’m an overthinker. I can talk myself into and out of something within the same day. I feel like I’m so used to stress that if it’s not there I start piling it on. Without stress my life feels wrong somehow.

The stress that I feel and the stress that I self impose is slowly killing me. I think this maybe is a part of why I feel so sick. Maybe it won’t heal me but I feel like it could be a part of my recovery.

The Lord has been showing me lately where I have tried with the right motives to make what I believed to be His will happen. I was trying to pull off God’s will with my own power. Which sounds ridiculous now that I’ve written it. That’s where I’m at.

I want to be a woman who is calm. Who is bright. Who is caring. Who relies on God everyday and in everyway. I’m just not there yet.

In Christian culture I see a lot of messages that seem to say that if you come to God, to Jesus, that you’re life will be worth it. They seem to imply that life will become great and wonderful. I’m not saying that this can’t be the case, I’m just coming to understand it in a different way.

There isn’t enough teaching in the Body of Christ about what happens after converstion. What happens when you feel stuck because you are growing in the Lord but nothing in your life has changed. What happens when the situations that you thought God would free you from are still your reality after years of following the Lord?

This is where I find myself. I’m relearning the basics of God. I’m relining up with God. I read “It’s Not Supposed to be This Way” by Lysa TerKerust this year. It’s a amazing book. It gave me a way to understand my feelings and approach God with a new vocabulary. A new way to say here is how I feel and this is how I know I should be.

It’s in striving towards that difference that I grow. It’s not always in the big things but sometimes in the little things. God cares greatly about the little things in our lives.

Lately God has been giving me little things that I’ve always wanted. I never thought I would get the chance to have them. When I gave my life to the Lord, I learned to not count on getting those little things. Since what God wants for me is more important than what I want for me.

Sometimes God will give you what you want as a reward. I feel like He is telling me that I’ve done well and there is more to come. He has also shown me that He knows me and He loves me. I know He will be here for me.

God would love to be there for you too. I’m not special. I just accept that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. That through the Holy Spirit I can have a real relationship with God the Father.



Crazy Canadians

I find myself to be a little melodramatic at times. This post is just for fun. It’s spring time and in Canada after our winters we tend to get a little crazy. Here are some thoughts and feelings that you too may experience if you are coming out of winter.

A grassy green background with "You Celebrate the fact that the grass is green." in brown writing.
It’s not brown, it’s green.
The image says "When you get up and it's not dark outside."
Makes it so much easier to get to work in a good mood.
When your outside in your shorts and winter boots.
You know who you are *wink**wink*
But the Helper(Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor-Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.
This is how I got through this winter.

Free to be myself…kinda sorta

The Lord gave me a word for this year. FREEDOM! Freedom from the past. Freedom to try new things. Freedom to be myself, not that I’m sure what that means or maybe I’m just too scared to try. I’m a people pleaser with a perfectionist streak. I’d rather just keep doing what ‘works’.

Now I feel like I should spread my wings and fly. That’s cheesy but that’s how I feel. It just feels wrong because I don’t deserve to have these wings. Nothing that I do feels good enough. I feel overwhelmed and underqualified.

That’s where God can shine the brightest through me. Through my weakness people can see His strength. Since they know me and know that it’s so outside of my little box that there must be something going on. It can’t just be her, she’s not that good. That’s what I want! The crazy unbelief in me that lead’s to belief in God!

Writing has always been an outlet for me. I’ve always had problems expressing myself. On paper I feel like me or in this case on a computer screen. I hope to be able to help and reach more people this year. Both in real life and online. This means that I have some things to sort out. More than likely this year I’ll come across things about myself to change that right now feel like mountains.

At the same time, I’m made for this life.

I’m exited to see what this year will bring.

I was working on this post a couple of months ago. I like to re-read some of my writing from time to time. It reminds me how far I’ve come. It’s strange how right I was that I would have mountains to climb this year. I have some darkness in me.

And I have some light in me.

My overwhelmed and underqualified feelings got the best of me. I feel like I had a bit of a breakdown. Thankfully God uses those times of brokenness to rebuild us. To re-teach us what we thought we already knew.

I’m flying a lot closer to home than I ever thought I would be. It still feels right. It still feels like it’s from God.

Today, I’ve gained more freedom from what I thought I had to be. I’m accepting who God made me to be. I’m kinda liking her. In a short-term, small amount of time spent with her kind of a way.

A Thankful Update

I wanted to let those that cared on here that I seem to be doing better lately. My life hasn’t drastically changed but I’m trying to look at things differently.

I seem to be better at letting things go. The past is the past. It’s made me who I am which is good and bad. I’ve got lots of work to do if I want to become who God ultimately wants me to be.

As far as things with my Dad…He’s an adult. If he chooses to not see a doctor, then I can’t make him. I still keep him in prayer.

A heart with thank you stands against a backdrop of stars.

Speaking of prayer,thanks to all who have prayed for me. It meant a lot to me. It was some light in a dark time. I don’t think all my troubles are behind me. I do believe that there is more good ahead of me than behind me.

I’m learning to accept life. Whatever happens I trust that God is in control. He will work all things for the good of those who love Him. Yes, I would prefer to have all the answers. I would prefer to have complete control over all situations and circumnutates in life.

That’s not what I am called to do and be. I am called like the rest of you to love. To love God with all my being. To love others. That’s what I’m going to focus on.

The Forest

I feel like I can’t see the forest for the trees right now. I need help and I don’t know if it’s physical pain or emotional pain. I can’t handle it on my own. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength. I try and talk myself into joy but it’s just not working anymore.

I try and focus on the good but I’m having a harder and harder time seeing it. I feel like I’m having a break down. My body just doesn’t want to work. I’m having trouble leaving the house. I don’t have the energy to participate in life.

But I have hope that beyond the trees I see there is life. Life that is good. Life that is worth it. I just need enough hope to change the way I think.

I’ve had bouts of depression in the past. Both of my biological parents have mental health problems. I’ve watched them suffer all my life. I thought I would know when I needed help but I waited too long.

I never wanted this to be a part of my story. I never wanted to be sick.

But the Lord has been teaching me so much.

He has been reteaching me about what He wants and expects from me. It’s a lot simpler than I thought. I had overcomplicated my life.

The Butterfly

During a period in my life when I felt like everything was changing I watched a documentary on monarch butterflies. The monarch butterfly winter’s in Mexico like many of my coworkers. In the documentary it showed how the monarch’s live in these mountain forests. While watching this at the time I felt like God was saying, “See if I can take care of the monarchs by creating an environment that is perfect for them then I can do the same for you.”

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!

Luke 12:24

And He has been faithful to me. Life is not what I expected. It’s been much harder than I ever imagined. When I take a deep breath and focus on God I see His handy-work in my life. Life can be more than what we expect if we are open to what God is saying to us.

Now what?

Now I feel like God is telling me to spread my wings. That He needs me to be who He created me to be. Shake off the things of old. I need to do these things to be there for the people who need me in my life.

Self-care is a word that I hate. To me it means selfish excuses. There is something to taking care of yourself so you can take of others. I just don’t know where the line is drawn. I’ve avoided finding that line. I’m a black and white kind of person.

Then I found myself crying in the tub. Nothing that I normally do was providing me with relief from my physical pain. I went in for a pain shot to give me a respite from the pain. It gave me some relief this time but I still couldn’t sleep. I was crying out to God in a way that I never had before. I needed His help. I couldn’t do it anymore. The pain was mind numbing. I asked for forgiveness. I asked God to look after my parents for me.

I’m still alive. I have a purpose. I’m here to help others but right now I need to learn how to help myself. Whatever that actually means for me.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please help me and all that feel broken like I do. Lead us and guide us Lord. Whether we see how sick we are or not. Wake us up. Let us learn to take care of our minds so we can better serve You. Help us find balance Lord.

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Amen

Christian BS

I have an embrassing story to tell everyone. I’m not proud of it. In fact I’m humbled by it. I think that what I learned from it is valuable. I’m hoping by writing about it I can help someone. I’ve been a dedicated Christian for seven years now and still I’m amazed by the things that come out of my mouth. That’s enough stalling I’ll just get into it now.

To set the stage it had been an awful week at work. On top of which I’m still fighting this chest cold. On top of that my biological Dad seems to not care enough to book his medical appoinments. I’ve been booking them on his behalf and hoping that he will show up. These things could all be worthy posts of their own.

After a particularly bad day I was venting to my family. In response to my problems my real Dad(step-father) told me, “God is still on His throne.”

Instead of accepting this gem of wisdom and taking comfort in this fact I said, “I don’t need any more Christian BS.” When I said this in person it wasn’t the PG version that I’ve typed here.

I think we all come to the end of ourselves at times. God often uses these times to teach us important lessons. I wish that I had caught on before snapping like some cheap dollar store toothpick.

One part of my lesson is why I said it. I’m tired of Christians that say that if you have enough faith that nothing bad will happen to you. In part I said it for all the scripture that I’ve heard misquoted. All the times I’ve misquoted it and relied on God for something He didn’t promise.

Being tender hearted I let life erode my faith. That is dangerous.

I think I would feel better if I wasn’t so sensitive. I feel things deeply and take on others problems. In fact I often feel responsible for things that aren’t my fault. Then I feel even worse when things don’t go the way I want. Childish I know but that’s where I’m at today.

Then I start questioning God. You know what though? God always makes me feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be physically. I’m just not where He wants me to be emotionally and mentally.

I can hear all the corny Christian sayings in the world but I need the truth. At this point in my walk with the Lord, that’s what I need more than anything. The truth that will help me through everyday life.

I’m happy to say that after I calmed down I realized that yes there is a lot of problems in the Christian community. But my God is alive. He works all things for the good of those that love Him. I need to take some more time to ensure that my eyes are focused on Him. On God the Father, Christ the Son, and my Comforter the Holy Spirit.


God is still watching over us. He still cares for us in a way that amazes me. The way He reaches down through the Holy Spirit to touch a cell in the Body of Christ. This cell is humbled by the fact that I can ask for forgiveness from an Almighty God.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please forgive me for my lack of faith in You. You are still the God who saved me. You have made me who I am. You are responsible for glorous works in my past. Stories that impower me to walk through fire now. Lord, in this struggle I took my eyes off of You. Please forgive me.

In Jesus Precious and Holy Name I Pray

Amen

Sick

No one would choose to be sick. No one chooses this crazy life that we are on.

This is my prayer this morning,

Dear Heavenly Father,

Lord, I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to deal with the trials that I’m currently going through. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. What I want is to serve You. I know that ultimately to serve you means to get out of bed. To walk through the fire to reforge the parts of me that are impure. To purify myself I must go forward. Even if I only take one step at a time when I would much rather run. Help me to see the good You have placed before me Lord because right now I’m so tired I can’t even think straight. Let me love those around me today in a way that glories You. Let me accept today. Let me win the battle against my flesh today.

Lord apart from you I can do nothing. Please Lord help me get out of the funk and out of this bed.

In Jesus Name I Pray,

Amen