I lost patience with the system at work this weekend. Normaly I can refocus myself but I didn’t even try this weekend. I feel like God has something special for me. I act like just another traveler that got a little lost on the way. The past still hautes me. The future is either something that I feel hopeful about or I am terrified. Nothing seems to be working. I want to step out with God but when it falls apart I’m not sure if it’s me, God, or the Devil that causes the fall. I feel like a mess. I’m just tried of waiting.
So here I am writing on a computer screen because I feel like I’m drowning. Drowning in doubt. Drowning in debt. Drowning in emotions that I can’t seem to track down. And I’m crying because I need the release.
In April of this year I was in an accident that could have killed me. I ended up getting a concussion, which caused me to miss a month of work.(I survived getting hit in the head with glass that could have killed me) I don’t feel great about my life because it feels like nothing changed. I went back to work and the same problems. At home things are good but I feel like God could do more through my family if we could just open up to Him more.
I just want to share God’s love when I am on this earth. After the accident I felt God stronger in my life and I know He’s here. I just want to know how to serve Him.
I feel stuck because I’ve grown this year and it feels like everything stood still.
I guess the question is how do I handle this shift within myself. Taking out my frustration on others is not something I want to do. I’m going to focus on the last instructions that I got from God. I’m going to write and work hard at my day job and I’m going to be grateful for my life.
Marriage and healing are on my brain today. Marriage is different now than it was say for my grandparents. In their day marriage was final. It meant till death do you part. Now that’s just not true. Marriage is seen as a risk, a 50/50 chance. I don’t know if I could take the plunge with that in mind.
I also don’t like the idea of sleeping with someone without being married. It goes against God’s word for starters. And I’ve seen the damage it does to people. That being said I don’t believe that you need to have a marriage license to be married in God’s eyes. You can be bond to someone in God’s eyes without the legal paperwork.
I went to my friend’s wedding this summer. They went down a path that I’ve seen a lot with couples in my generation. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, then they moved in together, got engraded, and they had many break ups in that time. They were together on and off for five years before they got married.
And I wonder if they are able to forgive each other. Really, truly let go of the past and move on. They need healing in their relationship because we humans always seem to leave a trail of destruction in our wake.
I think that is part of what is missing in marriages today; Healing and forgiveness.
The body of Christ is not necessarily the church.
Abraham, a man willing to give up everything for God. Even his son, Isaac, whom the Lord promised would provide descendants that would be as numerous as grains of sand. I’m not going to pretend to understand the level of Abraham’s faith.
“Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied. Then God said,”Take your son, your only son, whom you love-Isaac-and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” -GENESIS 22:1-2
Would you be willing to offer your child to God in the same way? With faith that He would still provide for you? That God would raise him back from the dead to fulfill what He promised?
There are things that God has shown me. Life events that I know will happen but right now some mornings it’s enough that I get out of bed. I don’t know how they will come about but I will offer God my hopes, my dreams, and the silent cries of my heart.
Because I have faith that He is faithful, when we offer all of us. Even the parts we want to hide, because His light can banish all darkness.
“The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.” -GENESIS 22:15-18
God rewarded Abraham for his faith. He saved Isaac by proving a sacrifice. Through Abraham’s line came Jesus. God asked a great man of faith if he would be willing to make the same sacrifice that He was willing to make. Jesus, the son that God allowed to be killed on the cross for us.
Lord, Heavenly Father, help me to give all to You. So that through me others can come to know you. Be my strength because I am weak. When I smile let it be filled with your love for people. Let my words ring with Truth because of all you have done for me Lord. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.