Author Archives: autumnwoodwrites

Just a woman who loves her Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

Another day with the Holy Spirit

Another shooting, another blog post, another day.

And I wonder if what I do actually matters.

Today my friend dropped off a Valentine’s day gift for me. It was lovely and the card almost had me in tears. It made me think that I had made a difference in someone’s life. Maybe the card was too sappy but it made my day.

We can only choose how we act and react to this life. Choose wisely, get up each day and try to be Christ-like.  In Christianity we have a rare gift in the form of the Holy Spirit. God dwells within us and can guide us in daily life. This seems like a precious, precious gift to me.

I often wonder what I can do for God. He has done so much for me. This can lead me into the danger of a performance based worship. Sometimes it can be a good thing forcing me to act. Other times it can play with my feelings of self-worth. What I have been learning is that if I just show up to my life I can make a difference. It doesn’t have to be another day.  We can make it special by listening to that quiet voice inside us. The gift that keeps on giving.

created

 

 

 

Breathe with God, Not with Your own Strength

I want to project an image of togetherness, of Christ-likeness, and if I’m completely honest perfection. I don’t think I’m unquine in this desire. I think the internet makes it easy to be dishonest. To show off the best parts of ourselves. Today, I’m going to be brutally honest in the hope that it helps someone else.

The law of the prophets can be summed up by saying that we should love God and love our neighbors. This I understand. This I try and live.

But I took this too literally. At work I let people walk all over me. This has left me feeling stressed. This has also left my physical body weak. In fact I’ve been sick with the flu for two weeks now. During that time of being able to do nothing I’ve done some thinking. Then I did some overthinking. Then I panicked about what people would think about me. Then I went to God about my problems. Then I actually got some answers.

Jesus was a good person but He was not a push over. He forgave but He also took time for himself. It’s important for us as Christian to take time to recharge by spending time with God. That way when God calls upon us to help someone, our answer will be yes. Without that time with God our answer can be a snap. A no, I can’t possible do this because I’m too _______.  You can fill in the blank.

I encourage you all to find balance in your lives. For each one of you that’s going to look different. Find ways to spend time with God. Invite Him into the areas of your life that you feel are lacking in that connection with Him.

He will come and share a moment with you wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

breathe

Don’t let the need to people please and your own desire to be accepted ruin you. I think it hurt me pretty good. Trying not only to love someone but to make them have some concept of God’s love is a noble goal. Doing it out of your own strength is not what God intended. He means for us to walk with Him. To do the things He has for us out of love for Him. In doing things this way we find joy, hope, and peace.

perfect love

I’m a people pleaser. I am tempted to say what you what. I am tempted to write what will get me noticed. I just want to drift through this life. I’m okay with mediocre if it means that everyone will like me.

I think that this year I’m going to focus on what I wish I knew in my heart. That God loves me. It’s only what He wants for me that matters. Only what He thinks of me that matters. 

So, this year I’m going to focus on God’s perfect love. On His perfect will for my life. Whether anyone else notices what I do for Him or not. When you focus on God's perfect love

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all You have done for me, Lord. I look forward to what we will get up to together this year.

thank you, Ann

I have just finished reading “A Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I had no idea that being thankful for my everyday life could be the key to the joy that I’m missing. Ann’s writing is poetic in a wait I need to read that again kind of a way. She makes you see the beauty in the everyday while still managing to show you the struggles that she too faces.

It amazes me how God can put the words that you need to hear through someone else. Late last year I came across her newer book “The Broken Way”. So, I read it first. I read it slow. It means so much to me. I love the way it connects our brokenness to God. By focusing on God we can find the healing we crave. In the meantime He has plans for us. Plans to help others which leads to us ultimately serving Him. I could just cry even talking about this book. I know I’m not giving it justice.

I gave “The Broken Way” to a good Christian friend of mine. It looks like it will make the rounds before it makes it back to me. If it even makes it back to me. Which wouldn’t even bother me that much. I’ll just buy five more copies, one to keep, the rest to give away. I would say that both of Ann Voskamp’s books should be on your must read list. Ann after reading so many of your personal thoughts and struggles all I really want to say to you is thank you.

 

The Sins of the Father

I found out that my uncle passed away yesterday, after a long battle with cancer in a way it’s a blessing. The sad part is that I hardly knew him. I feel guilty, depressed, and frankly I’m not looking forward to having to take a walk down memory lane. My childhood still remains a rough spot for me.

My close friends know not to ask about my biological Dad. I don’t know if he’s dead or alive most days. It took me a long time to accept the fact that he is a gown man and that I can’t control him. If he doesn’t want to do something that would improve his situation that is his choice. Just like I have a right to do what I feel is best so does he. Yes, I tell him what I think about what he’s doing and I give advice. Whether he takes it or not is another story.

I feel obligated to take care of my Dad. I feel like dirt because he lives in conditions that aren’t suitable for an animal. This is the side of mental illness that I don’t hear enough about. What do you do? What is the Christian thing to do?

I hate that my extended family thinks that I am somehow responsible for him. Cause he is ultimately responsible for his own actions. I am not guilty for my father’s sins. I have enough of my own; thank you very much!

I can feel God trying to work through these issues with me. He is preparing me for a breakthrough but somethings it feels more comfortable to be in the chains we make for ourselves.

Elven days later….

I’m trying to help my Dad move into someplace decent. Where he can be around people more. It’s not easy but it feels like the right thing to do. When I saw him before the funeral it was bad. He’s doing things that I never thought he would do, sinking to new lows. Sinking, sinking, but never rising out of the mess that is mostly his own fault.

Forgivness is what I am trying to walk in. Letting go of the past to deal with the now of his situation. All the while I feel God right here with me, saying to follow Him one step at a time. Telling me that He will take care of Dad. Wheather things work out the way I want them to or not.

I feel like I should at least try to help him. After much prayer I have a path to follow in this matter. I just have to do my best to follow it. I just hope that I’m not too late.

Life is rarely what we think it will be. Having the knowledge that God is simply here with me in this time has proved to be enough for me. It is wondefull to have a Heavenly Father that loves me in a way my earthy father never will, that no eathly father could ever love a child.

1 am

To be honest it’s 12:54 am but I thought 1 am sounded more dramatic. I don’t know why I’m still awake. I’m so tired that looking at the light from my laptop screen makes my eyes water. I just watched Megan Leavey on Netflix. It’s a great movie that made me want to cry but I haven’t broken down…yet I feel it coming on.

For those who don’t know Megan Leavey is a aboMegan Leaveyut a Marine and her bond with her bomb sniffing dog Rex. It was about love and honor and duty. Watching the movie made me feel totally inferior. It made me question whether I had made the right decisions in my life. If I was actually making a difference in this world.

I’m not as stable as I want to be. I lash out more than I like and I hurt those around me in the process. Some days I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know why. The life the Lord gave me is pretty great. I have two Christian parents who love me. I don’t have many friends but those that know me care. I have a full time job with great benefits. My bills are normally fairly low. Yes, I have health problems but nothing that’s going to cripple me.

I wish that I could be more. Yup, my screen is getting blurry, I’m going to start crying. I never feel like I am enough. I never feel like I deserve this life, not one part of it. This is normally about the time I shut down.  I have a tender heart and I pray that God can help me refocus on what matters most.

The only perfect person on earth was Jesus Christ and He is God in the flesh. I can let go of my need to be perfect. I can simply focus on His love. I can let the Holy Spirit guide me. I can never earn this life. I can only enjoy it and try to live for Him.

Alright I think I’ve found my mind. I’m going to try and get some sleep now. Good morning, good evening, and good night everyone.

 

Home

For me home doesn’t mean where I physically am, it means Heaven. Jesus said that the Son of Man would not have a home here on earth. As His follower that means that I too do not have a home here on earth. I have a place that I am supposed to be but that doesn’t mean that it’s a place where I feel comfortable.

When I was younger I was able to go on some trips to the southwestern U.S.A. To be honest with you, that is the closest that I have felt to being home. I love the desert. That part of this world will always have a special place in my heart.  I thought at this point in my life that I would be living there. God had other plans for me. Plans to give me a much better life than I could ever imagine.

Some days it doesn’t feel that way.

But then I pray and I feel the Holy Spirit wrap Himself around me.  I ask for strength to make it through today. I refocus on God and breath. I take another step forward, towards what I feel is right.

My Dad had a sign with a picture of Jesus and the saying, It’s not always easy but it’s always worth it. Being a true disciple of Jesus means that you make sacrifices. That you get hurt trying to help others. That you stand out, which we all know is a good thing in the end but it’s painful when you are going through it.

Whatever it is that you are dealing with, maybe missing home like me, if you are where you feel like God wants you to be then let me encourage you. I don’t know what you’re struggling with but it’s worth it. You may not be able to see it now but it is worth it.

Like your Dying

Frankly, with the way things are going the Lord is going to come back sooner than later. I think about the fact that I only have so much time on this earth more than I should. I do believe that we should live everyday like we are dying.

I didn’t expect to feel like I’m dying in my twenties. My current diagnosis is fibromyalgia.  Yes, that is the same condition that Lady Gaga has; Never thought I would compare myself to Lady Gaga[author shakes head, debates taking line out]. For those that don’t know it essential means that I am in a lot of pain for no apparent reason. Fibro, doesn’t show up on any lab test and it’s symptoms are similar to several conditions including lupus.  Doctors think that my brain perceives pain differently than the average person.

For about six months I couldn’t sleep properly. I would run on four or five hours of decent sleep. Then I would crash and sleep for thirteen hours. Not to mention the pain and stiffness in my muscles and joints. Yeah, I also had a constant migraine. Despite this I kept up with what I was doing before. I wanted so desperately to make myself proud that I half killed myself. I think God wanted to work with me but I wanted to prove how awesome I was to myself. It took me almost fainting at work to get help

I was crying out to God the night before my fainting incident. I had been debating getting on pills to help for months but I was afraid of the side affects.

I will take care of the side affects.

You know when you clearly heard from the Lord and everything stops. Yeah, that happened.

I was amazed within a couple weeks of taking the pills I felt like myself again. I had learned so much from my time being sick, I may never be healthy again but I was alright with that. I could manage the pain. Happily ever after.

 

Until last week, when our weather shifted and I can tell you I now have an understanding of what it’s like to have arthritis. When I had started taking my pills our weather had been steady. I noticed that on days when it rained I was more achy but I could handle it.

But with winter coming…

Thankfully I don’t have the same problem with migraines that I had before. At least the pills help with that. I know now why the Lord has been working on me about fear. I have lots of fear now. I don’t know if I can work the job I currently have. If I will be able to help out at home. If I will ever feel better.

I will choose to trust God because I believe in Him. He’s my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. He may come back before I get my answers. I will focus on doing my best with Him every day because that’s all that matters.