1 am

To be honest it’s 12:54 am but I thought 1 am sounded more dramatic. I don’t know why I’m still awake. I’m so tired that looking at the light from my laptop screen makes my eyes water. I just watched Megan Leavey on Netflix. It’s a great movie that made me want to cry but I haven’t broken down…yet I feel it coming on.

For those who don’t know Megan Leavey is a about a Marine and her bond with her bomb sniffing dog Rex. It was about love and honor and duty. Watching the movie made me feel totally inferior. It made me question whether I had made the right decisions in my life. If I was actually making a difference in this world.

I’m not as stable as I want to be. I lash out more than I like and I hurt those around me in the process. Some days I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know why. The life the Lord gave me is pretty great. I have two Christian parents who love me. I don’t have many friends but those that know me care. I have a full time job with great benefits. My bills are normally fairly low. Yes, I have health problems but nothing that’s going to cripple me.

I wish that I could be more. Yup, my screen is getting blurry, I’m going to start crying. I never feel like I am enough. I never feel like I deserve this life, not one part of it. This is normally about the time I shut down.  I have a tender heart and I pray that God can help me refocus on what matters most.

The only perfect person on earth was Jesus Christ and He is God in the flesh. I can let go of my need to be perfect. I can simply focus on His love. I can let the Holy Spirit guide me. I can never earn this life. I can only enjoy it and try to live for Him.

Alright I think I’ve found my mind. I’m going to try and get some sleep now. Good morning, good evening, and good night everyone.