Today, is not my best day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, a perfect day for a walk and I am miserable. I feel awful about feeling awful. I feel guilty to admit that I am a Christian and I don’t like my life or me. I have been committed to God for seven years and today all I want to do is cry.
As Christian we are quick to admit to the battles that we have won in life. To those precious memories of the times when a sudden realization from God has set us free. Don’t get me wrong I’m holding on to those memories today. In fact, they are in a death grip now. God gives us experiences in life because He knows we will need them. He works all things for the good of those that love Him.
I don’t want to get all mushy about those times of my life in this post. Today its about the painful. It’s about not really wanting to see the good in everyday life because you just want to be mad. Like punch a kitten, kick a puppy kind of upset. Yup, I’m going full emo with the purpose of working through these things.
See, normally I run from these emotions and thoughts. Then I grab a large shovel and bury it. Think twelve feet under. Since a Christian is supposed to be happy, then I will convince myself that I am happy. I don’t need the real joy that comes from truly healing my brokenness. Nah, just grab a bigger shovel. Don’t figure out what is the root cause of my emotional outburst. No that might mean crying. Can’t have a crying Christian woman, now can we?
But can’t we?
Isn’t one of the most beautiful things about having a relationship with God the ability to be vulnerable. Or an even scarier word for me; Open.
(And with that one word the ice creeps into my veins. The sun is suddenly dark. The werewolves can be heard howling somewhere off in the distance.)
Maybe, I think we err, might have found a piece of one of my real problems. I want to be loved for who I am, but I don’t want anyone to find out who I really am. Then they might -gasp-find out that I’m not perfect. Though I realize that this is impart unrealistic because a) I have been told on occasion that I’m wrong so therefore I know I can’t be perfect and b) God knows that I am imperfect but loves me anyway and hey there is that part about Him sending His son to die for me. So, I can in fact talk myself out of the fear of being open.
I don’t want to be this way. Today I asked God for help. He then proceeds to reveal one of my faults to me. So, I technically got the help I asked for, I just didn’t like the very Dad-like answer I got.
Here I am alone, desperate to talk my thought process out to someone I am close too. Instead I’m typing alone in my bedroom. Talk about self-destructive cycles. Mind you I do feel better. I don’t have ready-made answers to my problems yet, but I do feel closer to God. Which is really the purpose of this seven year walk that I’ve been on with Him.
I think I’m going to open the window to let some sunshine in. Maybe grab something to eat. Cry with a heartbreaking movie this afternoon. Maybe I may even be brave enough to edit this and post it. That maybe a step in the openness direction. I can hide behind my keyboard for a while longer.
(Awkwardly half-waves to audience)